Bumping back to life

After a grounding Yoga practice and a nice and relaxing salt bath yesterday afternoon I then managed to slip on the stairs and bump my way down to the bottom, I now have a wonderful bruise on my bum...so much for my grounding!

Off for a swim in the sea, should help the healing.

xxxx

A blessing - for one who is exhausted

A beautiful friend and angel of mine wrote out this lovely blessing for me written by John O'Donohue...and I would like to share it with you, it is truly inspired...

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The ride you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

xxx

Reflections

Well thankfully with every down there is an up...and I certainly hit rock bottom last Thursday and have been finding the light ever since.

Depression fascinates me. It is a condition (or illness as my doctor would say) that I have experienced on and off since my teenage years. It is the reason I initially started practising Yoga and Reiki, and developed an interest in nutrition and the holistic approach to life - so in many respects I feel grateful for its darkness because through the darkness, it has also helped to create so much light in my life.

Everyone is different and every case of depression is subjective, I can only talk about it from my own personal experience. But for me, at least on the spiritual level, it is all about the need to let go. You see, as I see it, the ego - or personality then - likes to retain the status quo, it likes to know who it is and what it is doing based on past experiences, it likes to box and identify itself, it creates redundant behaviour patterns and will resist any chance for transformation and essentially, change. In fact it is the part of us that has a huge fear of change.

Trouble is, the soul wants us to transform ourselves, or at least to come back to ourselves, our true selves, beyond the labelling, the history and identity of the ego. And when it is unable to shine its light, well then the darkness falls. It is only by letting go of the past, of surrendering and going with the flow, that the light can return, as we literally let go of the identity we have created for ourselves, so that the "new" can move in.

I am not sure whether any of that makes any sense, but essentially, I know, now, that the depression is a grieving, it is like the death of the old, and a huge message to me that it is time to move on and the sooner we surrender to it, the quicker it eases. Not that surrendering is ever easy, but once we have stopped fighting and quietened the inner dialogue, and asked for help (this is sometimes crucial) then we are over the worst. It is all about healing the mind, I truly feel - right now- that everything originates in the mind.

Needless to say, as often happens - if only we could trust a little more - the Universe provided an opportunity for me to get out of my mind at the Secret Garden Party in Cambridgshire. Based on the concept of "Fact or Fiction" we were told to leave our left brains (logic) at home, go with the flow and let go...hoorah!! At the time none of it was easy, but looking back it was all necessary, to leave behind the norm, and to encourage us to experinece new ways of being, so that we were taken outside of the controlling nature of our minds (for there was no chance for control!).

Apparently numbers have doubled in the year and yet there didn't seem to be enough facilities to cope with everyone so it felt like we spent the whole weekend queueing. Queuing ages for smelly toilets so that in the end I gave up and peed behind bushes instead (much better for feeling that connection with nature!), queueing ages for drinks at the bar so I ended up drinking herbal tea from vans, a complete lack of showers so that the first day Ewan, Nige and I drove to the nearest leisure centre for a shower, and the rest of the time we stripped off in the field and washed ourselves under the cold water tap...a bit like being back in Nepal!

The biggest problem was losing people in the crowds, it just happened so easily and Ewan spent much of the weekend trying to shepherd everyone, bless him. I was more than happy to go with the flow, the holistic area was not as available as I had expected, the massages etc got booked up really quickly, and the Yoga was held at times which didn't work for me. My mobile telephone wouldn't work, which was a blessing, and of course no Internet or TV, so a lovely opportunity - a little bit like being in the mountains in Nepal - to totally let go of any concerns for anything outside of that moment.

It was all good fun, I laughed lots, I slept well, I rested, I read, I drank lots of water and ate lots of fruit, I connected with nature, I walked for miles and danced a lot and I let go, the angels were right, there was a need for flexibility...

So now a bit of clarity has returned, yes indeed time for change. But not to be forced, I feel that this is another lesson I am learning, change is happening, every day in so many ways, and change does not need to be huge, like all of a sudden leaving your job, selling you house and sailing off into the distance, it is more to do with the mind, changing the mind, letting go of the voice that tells us how we should be living our lives and berates us if we are not living that particular way...and by changing the mind, then so our life will change, for there are reflections everywhere.

xxx

Seven year cycles

Seven year cycles.

I thought I was beginning to feel better until I realised I have been in denial...how clever we are at deceiving ourselves...I have not been resting, more so allowing the pendulum to swing uncontrollably in the opposite direction and allowing the mind to maintain its control despite the longings of the body to literally do nothing.

It never ceases to amaze me how strong the mind in controlling us and how powerful it can be in creating such ups and downs. The down arrived this week, uncontrollable and without warning reminding me of a poem I wrote many years ago when this first happened:-

The Darkness

There are cracks in my mind.
I can feel them. Like paving slabs,
Drifting slowly apart.
My hopes and dreams slide down these cracks,
One
By
One.
In a steady stream,
Like water flowing over a
Ledge.
A waterfall in my head perhaps.

But there is no rainbow,
No sun and no place to call home.
And the only water (if there is any)
Tends to run endlessly down my cheeks.
I call it my pit of despair,
My darkness.
“The darkness has come again”.

It is a funny world, in my mind.
I hate it when the cracks appear.


So there have been uncontrollable tears, especially on my mat, the Yoga helps to bring it out, perhaps a healing, who knows, and mad dreams, a touch of anxiety and lots of worry about an unknown future and what lays ahead...

But this happens for a reason and being honest and upfront about it has helped, I am only human after all. Strangely this is what got me into Yoga and the holistic healing world seven years ago when it first happened and I needed to figure a way to heal myself that did not involve anti-depressants.

So time to control the mind and allow the body to rest, to go with the flow and stop fighting an illness. often these things are hidden blessings. Let us see.

We are off to the Secret Garden party tomorrow in Cambridge shire. This should be fun, a large holistic field with Yoga and lots of treatments on offer. I am both excited and apprehensive, there is fancy dress and a request that we leave out left brain at home....thank God for that, the right brain needs to be allowed to come out and play, embrace the creativity and the madness that is my nature.

Enjoy the weekend.

xx

Sunshine antics

It was my Mum's 60th birthday on Thursday - happy birthday Mum, if I look as well as you o at 60 then I will be very happy - and we enjoyed a lovely lobster lunch together in the garden, Mum, Dad, Ross, Star, Adena, Ewan and I, just as Mum had wanted and with the added bonus of glorious sunshine.

Later, while Ross went of surfing at Perelle, Ewan and I cycled down to Vazon and enjoyed the combination of sunshine, high tide and surf, boogie boarding and body surfing - I just love Vazon when it is like this.

At 6pm the extended family and a few friends came around for champagne and nibbles, Ross and I were literally in hysterics (how much fun it is to laugh uncontrollably like this) trying to put together 2 Victoria Sponges - the sponge had been kindly made by Vicki's Mum and all we had to do was slice the sponges, fill them with whipped cream, jam and strawberries, but for some reason we really struggled with the first one (I over whipped the cream and Ross hadn't quite sorted his spreading skills) and we were delighted we had a second one to try again!



Needless to say, cream whipping and spreading inadequacies aside, both cakes were well received, possibly just as well the champagne was already flowing by then, and we enjoyed a few hours of catch up with family members we had not seen for a time, before sitting together as a family with the chimniya burning to keep us warm into the darker and later hours...before Ewan and I cycled home, now that was fun in the darkness and after drinking champagne!

Friday dawned another glorious day and while Ewan cut hedges for a friend I pottered in the garden and my parents came around with some herbs they had bought me for my birthday - lucky me, I now have two beautiful wooden herb boxes filled with Rosemary, Sage, Thyme and Oregano, and two separate pots of Mint and Basil.

In the afternoon while Ewan went to join his friend, Charles, Guernsey born but visiting from his current home in London, at Moulin Huett, I went surfing at Vazon, like proper surfing. I started surfing with my brother, Ross, at the age of 14 - our Dad had been a surfer during his teenage years but had stopped when we came along and it wasn't until my Mum bought him a long board for his 40th birthday that he started again, and we were immediately intrigued.

Both Ross and I were crazy about surfing, in fact our whole life was about surfing, our friends were surfers, we would go on family surfing holidays in France with other surfer families, we would go to bed early so we could get up for early dawn surfing sessions, we would watch surfing videos and get excited about surf magazines and surf clothes (this was in the days when surfing was no way near as popular then as it is now).

We would dream of surfing around the world, especially in Australia without wetsuits, because here in Guernsey, aside from a few weeks in the summer we have little choice but to surf in a wetsuit especially in the middle of winter where we have to wear full wetsuit, boots, gloves and hoods before spending a good half an hour trying to warm up afterwards. I even made my University choice based on its proximity to the surf, Swansea in the end, probably the closest University to the beach, with some great surf beaches and reefs on Gower, I even made the University Surf team and came second in the University championships down in Newquay where University surf teams competed against each other.

For me surfing was my meditation, my connection with nature, my feel good factor; catching and riding an unbroken wave is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world, a completely natural high, I can't recommend it enough, invigorating, uplifting and fulfilling - amazing. However coupled with the demands of University life and a scary experience on a South Gower reef all of a sudden I stopped surfing so much - in fact I have only surfed a few times a year since then, sometimes over here in Guernsey during the summer or without a wetsuit in Australia and New Zealand.

Anyhow recently, what with all the time we have spent on the beach and swimming in the sea (and being reminded of the healing benefits of doing exactly that), and with Ross going surfing, well I have felt a desire to get back to it again. So in my bikini and rash vest and with the only undamaged surf board I could find in the shed, I managed to last a whole 30 minutes in the sea surfing on Friday before I got too cold and the surf got too small and crowded (the two main issues we have to face with the surf over here). I managed to catch and "ride" 5 waves and felt elated afterwards, if not a little sun burnt.

That evening we had my re-arranged birthday in the Loft Cafe in All in Black. It was lovely to see everyone again, especially Sam, who has been in India for 6 months, and to enjoy some tasty Tapas together with great views over the harbour and towards the Islands in the distance. Vic, Ju, Sam and I made it to Laskas for some dancing before Sam and I walked back home together (fortunate we live so close)with the stars twinkling above us. A huge thank you to Vic for organising not one but two birthday bashes for me, for the balloons and your generosity.



On Saturday Ewan and I spent a few hours in the heat of the day mixing and laying concrete in the back garden, stage one of the proposed new patio. I have never been involved in concrete laying before (my job was to spread the concrete, tap it into place and try and level it) and my gosh it is certainly a laborious and messy job, I have so much respect for anyone working with this on a regular basis. We then had to shift some big breeze blocks together - so much for relaxing and embracing the feminine side to life!!

We spent the rest of the afternoon pottering in the garden, I am rather obsessive about weeding and watering at the moment as I find both activities so calming and satisfying, active meditation I guess. After all that outdoor activity we decided to head down to the beach to meet Charles and his girlfriend, Jane, (who had flown over that afternoon from the UK) for a swim and we ended up at Grandes Rocques as it seemed the less crowded of the West coast beaches - how amazing is it with all this beautiful weather to see so many people down at the beach; swimming, bbqs, picnics, kayaking, surfing and playing.

I was given a cloud spotting book for my birthday from my friend and reflexologist, Christine, very appropriate as I have really been noticing the clouds recently - Ewan's house is set quite high, above St Andrew's quarry and for some reason I have become really aware of the clouds from spending so much time out in the garden there - and the clouds were particularly amazing from the beach as the sun kept coming and going, perhaps a front coming in and there were many different types all changing shape - it's my new thing!



After an outside drink at the Fleur with a few more friends, we ended up dancing together again that evening, only the music was much better and there were more people on the dance floor so it was particularly hot and sweaty! I absolutely love dancing these days. There was a time when I felt far too shy and self-conscious, but these days I do not care, it is such a liberating experience, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it is more so about how it makes one feel - and it feels good to move the body to the beat.

It was raining when I awoke on Sunday, quite a novelty and great for the garden, but by 11am when we were preparing brunch for Charles and Jane, the sun was starting to shine again. As it happens we were just finishing brunch when Leigh called to ask if we wanted to go over to Herm on his boat...oh yes please!! So an hour later, with the sun shining brightly overhead, we were on his boat and headed to Belvoir Bay at the back of Herm.

It wasn't as busy on the beach as I was expecting, perhaps people had stayed at home as the weather was not so consistent, or perhaps it is simply not peak season yet. In any event we had a great time; Leigh, Charles and I swam onto shore from the boat while Ewan rowed Jane in the dingy. We joined Leigh's girlfriend, Angela, and a couple of her friends who were visiting from Holland and the UK, and we enjoyed the laid-back ambiance of a Sunday afternoon together in the sun on a beach in Herm, great stuff.

While Leigh took Angela and her friends back to Guernsey and the last Trident had left Herm, the four of us walked across the Island to Rosaire steps and then on to the harbour. I love being in Herm when all the day trippers have left, it is just such a peaceful and calm place, and lovely for Jane to experience the charm of Herm for the first time.

Back home in Guernsey it was all we could do to collapse on the sofa and enjoy the last half of the world cup final - well done Spain, such a poetic team.

Well I am delighted to say that while the antics of the last few days have been rather intense, I am finally beginning to feel more alive again...long may it continue!

Thank you to everyone for making this such a great few days.

xxx

The Sark Folk Festival 2010

I have just spent an incredible weekend on Sark enjoying the amazing SARK FOLK FESTIVAL courtesy of my lovely boyfriend.

We got the boat over to Sark on Friday morning along with lots of other eager and excited Sark Folk Festival attendees. In fact it was so busy that they had to lay on extra boats especially. Needless to say, as generally happens when I go to Sark (which has not been very often to be honest), the whole Island was covered in a damp fog, which is perhaps not ideal when you have chosen to camp in the campsite just above the lighthouse and the fog horn.

But alas there was no need to worry, the fog eventually cleared and so we were not kept awake all night by the fog horn! In fact we weren't kept awake at all as Ewan had chosen to put us up in the more conscientous of the campsites where numbers were limited on account of the lack of facilities. We were fortunate to arrive before many of our fellow campers so had the pick of the field and pitched our tent with views (we later discovered when the fog lifted) of Alderney and France.

Putting up the tent was rather entertaining, Ewan is a stickler for attention to detail and so I have now learnt a lot about how to make sure the different parts of the tent line up properly so that it does not flap in the wind (like other tents in the field, we did a comparison you see), and I must admit I was rather proud of the finished result, there is a lot to be said of being a little retentive at times I guess!

Wnile we waited for the rest of our bags to arrive (the boat were so busy luggage was following separately) we walked out to the festival ground and collected our wrist bands for the weekend ahead. It was an hour before the festival was due to start and people were desperately finishing off the last touches to the arena, we were really impressed, there were two performing tenst and a food tent, plus toilet cabins, it all seemed really civilised and well organised.

On the way back to the campsite we collected our bikes, mine had a basket which rattled as I cycled so at least everyone knew I was approaching! It is honestly the best way to get around on Sark, admittedly it is not the biggest of Islands, but still, means you can see so much more in a shorter time.

Back at the campsite out luggage had arrived so we put the finishing touches to our tent - pumped up the new double bed (small pleasures) and added the duvet and travel pillows, luxury I tell you, I have not slept so well as I did on that bed for ages. We had a camping stove to make cups of tea and a chair for Ewan to sit in, plus a rug for me, we even brought the bat and ball although we only manged one game, the bats came in handy to support our cups and the stove instead.



We shared a birthday bottle of champagne sitting outside our tent, Ewan had been taking antibiotics all week so this was the first opportunity we had had to celebrate together, perfect. From there we headed to the festival, rain threatening over head. Still the fog had lifted and from the festival site, out by the duck pond, you could see Breqhou, Herm and Guernsey in the distance. I had not realised how great the views can be from Sark, it is certainly a special little Island.

The festival was in full swing and I was delighted to see so many familiar faces many of whom I had not seen for ages. It was great to see everyone looking so happy, eco cups of festival cider in their hands, smiles, tapping feet, I just loved every moment of that night. Of course it rained. Lots. But for some reason this did not deter the fun. Ewan and I got a little wet waiting for our vegetarian paella (many thanks to the L'Escalier lot, lovey paella and thanks for the vegetarian option) and walking to the toilets, but aside from that we were always protected by the marquees.

The last band that night were insanely good, so much fun, Ewan and I were dancing our feet off beside the speakers at the front of the stage, the singer and lead woman was such an incredible entertainer and we were all buzzing by the end of the act and no one wanted to go home. Still going home was entertaining in itself. Bikes. Lots of drunk people walking in small groups. No street lights and merely a hand held torch. Ewan stopped to speak to someone so I went off on my own only to consider that maybe I didn't actually know where I was going and I did not have my mobile telephone in case I got lost. Irrational really, this was Sark, no chance of being lost for long.

Needless to say I found him again and we managed to find our way back to the campsite without injury. I managed to lose my bike lock on the way but someone kindly handed this back to the bike people the next day (thank you!) so no big drama - just an opportunity for Ewan to laugh about my ability to lose things so easily. Back at the campsite we sat by the lantern and boiled some water on our little stove for our evening cup of tea to bring us back down to earth so that we could sleep - mind you no problem when it came to it and thank you to the other campers for being quiet too.



The next morning dawned delightfully bright, sunny and hot and we made our morning tea and sat out on the rug sunbathing at 9am. I practised some Yoga with views of Alderney in the distance while Ewan read his book, it doesn't get more relaxed and grounded than this. We then trekked off through the fields along the side of the cliff and down a valley surrounded by greenery, trees overhead, a stream to our left, pretty pink and purple flowers, ferns and brambles and stinging nettles all over the place, all the way down to the bay below.

It was about 11am at this point and there were a handful of boats moored in the bay but aside from that and one sunbathing tourist on the pebbles, we had the place to ourselves. Lucky us, high tide, stunningly clear blue sea, bright sunshine over head - we dived straight in and were pleased to find that the sea did not feel cold, maybe we have hardened ourselves to it recently, but we managed to stay in for a whole 10 minutes, that is our record so far this summer.

Beautiful as they are, the only trouble with the beaches on the Sark is the fact you have to walk down the cliff to access them, which of course means you have to walk all the way back up afterwards! Still it is all good exercise and before we knew it we were back on the bikes and cycling to the Bel Air to watch local band GU10 on the balcony. The sun was seriously beating down on us by then and we lasted half an hour before we decided to head off to Hugo's bar for a cup of tea in the shade, stopping at the local shop on the way to invest in some of Sark's finest strawberries - strawberries that actually taste of strawberries, quite hard to find these days!



Back at the festival it was busier on Saturday; apparently quite a few people had come over that morning ust for a night or for the day. There were lots of people lying outside on blankets sunbathing and enjoying the sound of the music from afar, the smell of food being freshly cooked - you could order half a fresh lobster on the bbq for £6 (and these were fresh lobsters, sitting alive on the counter so that you could choose the one you wanted to eat before the poor thing was sliced in half and added to the barbie), or 4 freshly caught and enormous scallops with salad for £6 too. This was certainly a festival with a difference!

We pottered around, listening to a little of the music and then joining others sitting outside too, we looked around the stalls, Mark and Lauren had brought over products from the Little Green Island and there were fresh muffins and cupcakes and this wonderful stall selling witch related paintings and tea towels (and no, I couldn't resist investing in some hand painted pictures of witches dancing together with butterflies and puffins and the moon in the distance), it was all very laid-back and relaxed.

We went out on the bikes again and visited the local Methodist chapel and the local Church, both reather sweet, I love looking aroun churches, you can learn a lot about the place from its energy and always a good opportuinity to say a little prayer. We sat on the common at the far end of the Island and just watched the boats out to sea with Herm and Guernsey in the background. By then we had had quite enough of the sunshine so we headed back to the campsite for a cup of tea and a refresh before the evening. There were a few more tents in the campsite but we still had our corner all to ourselves and there was no problem taking a shower.



The evening was buzzing again with beautiful views and a fantastic sunset. Unfortunately I was really tired from all our activities and so much sunshine so struggled to find the energy as I had done on the previous night. Still I finally managed to find my dancing feet and joined Hayley at the front of the stage for the final act of the night, a Welsh band led by a lady with an incredible ability to play the oboe. There was no singing involved in this performance and yet it didn't seem to matter as everyone around me was going equally as wild, lots of jumping around, clapping and general flinging of arms and I even noticed a spot of headbanging! So much fun!

For some reason cycling home was far easier that night, I didn't wobble once and even though there were more people walking they seemed to have more awareness of approaching bikes so there was no stopping and starting as there had been the night before. I saw two shooting stars, pretty amazing, and when we got back to the campsite the moon was this beautiful orange colour rising to the north east of us and shining a beautiful light on the sea below. Talk about nature's own party, there was no need to do anything or be anywhere else right then, just us, the moon, the stars and a cup of tea in hand, lovely.

I had the best night sleep that night than I have had in ages. I guess the combination of swimming in the sea, cycling, being outside with all that fresh air, socialising, so much sunshine, dancing and then sleeping on a mattress on the floor underneath canvas play a huge role in helping one to feel naturally tired and relaxed. I don't think we should ever underestimate the power of being out in nature like this, it is good stuff, healing.

Needless to say the next morning I wasn't feeling in the most energetic of states, I could have done with lying around all morning and catching up on much needed sleep and rest, that is the trouble with stopping like this, no tv, no internet, no distraction, no driving and running around after people, finally the mind lets the body rest. But we had to pack up our stuff and the tent, which was fairly painless despite the wind, tents are pretty impressive these days, and we are all rfeady now for the secret garden party at the end of the month.

We made the most of our bikes and cycled out to Little Sark for morning tea at La Sabblonerie, which has a stunningly well-attended garden, very impressive, they even rake the path and hand pick the weeds. The views from Little Sark are pretty cool too, Guernsey and Herm on one side, ALderney, Jersey and France from the other. Sark has definitely over taken Herm as my favourite other Channel Island now. It is a little gem and would be perfect for a Yoga and Wellbeing retreat...



The atmosphere was on wind down back at the Festival, softer music, less people, but still the sun was shining and the smell of cooking lobster permeated the air. We only stayed for a short time before we headed out to Hugo's bar for a civilised lunch (I finally tried some Sark scallops) with Lydia Jane providing the background music, a lovely way to end a fantastic weekend.

The brain child, organisers and volunteers at the Festival should be very proud of themselves today, it was an incredible weekend and all their hard efforts more than paid off to create an uplifting and enjoyable weekend for everyone. Like many others we are already looking forward to the Festival next year...

A huge thank you to Ewan too for making my birthday so special and for providing me with an opportunity to camp again, I loved the back to basics experience and look forward to next time.

Needless to say I am totally energy-less today, but I am sure I am not the only one. Festivals are so much fun but all that fresh air and relaxing and chatting takes its toll, oh well, what is life for if it can't be lived and experienced like this, I can highly recommend others take advantage of the huge number of festivals in the UK and further afield each summer.

xx