Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to everyone.  We hope you have a safe, happy and healthy Christmas.

xx

Stillness

I am absolutely loving being a Mummy, but how quickly the time is flying by.  Elijah will be 4 weeks old tomorrow, wow!!  He is growing rather quickly too, out of his new born clothes and into 0-3, so sweet in his little cheeky monkey outfit!

I am suffering with sleep deprivation today.  We had an action packed weekend, swimming in the sea at Petit Bot on Saturday and at Saints yesterday, Elijah all snug in his car seat on the beach (above high tide mark of course, Ewan's idea in case something should happen to us while we are swimming and he is left all alone, wouldn't have even crossed my mind to be honest!!).  Shopping around the Island for Christmas presents on Saturday, in and out of shops, breast feeding and changing in Costa, all good fun, and then a swim at Grande Mare Saturday evening while the grandparents happily looked after Elijah for an hour.

Sunday and post swim we went over to Herm again with both sets of parents and enjoyed a picnic in the sun on the common at Shell Beach.  Outdoors December breast feeding and change this time, poor little thing, I was frozen by the time we made it back to the boat, Elijah was all snug in his bear outfit!  We then visited friends and enjoyed a cup of tea and Elijah had a few cuddles from Julie and Michelle, dressed as he was in his hippie suit from Uncle Ross and Aunite Star in hippie Byron - thank you guys!

Usually he sleeps well, but strangely yesterday we were talking to a couple whose baby did not sleep so well and they were saying that you feel as if you have constant jet lag.  Well last night Elijah did not sleep well, he was wired when he should have been sleepy and today I do indeed feel as if I am jetlagged.  Fortunately I can justify the copious amounts of 85% pure dark chocolate for my iron deficiency, even if I am eating it merely as a way to survive the day.  It is so beautiful outside with the sun shining that it seems wrong to sit on the sofa all day!

In fact today is probably my first day on my own.  This morning the doctor signed me off to drive again, hoorah, freedom, I had to do a few star jumps to prove to her that I am ok, not a problem given I have been practicing Yoga for a while now.  It has helped, that and the homeopathic remedies I have been taking to help with the healing, and of course the iron rich foods.

Talking of which I was reading a fascinating article in the Sunday Times Style Magazine yesterday, which was about feeling exhausted and it said that on average 25% of women in Britain do not get enough iron.  While the iron tablets have horrible side effects, I am intrigued to see how much stronger and more energised I feel when my iron levels are up in the normal range.  Only trouble is I will no doubt expel that energy fitting in yet more things to the day.  The article in the Style magazine touches on this a little, about the "crazy busy" nature of our lives, I can certainly relate to this, not something to be proud of necessarily.

In fact I am more aware of it than ever with Elijah in my life, and am shocked how ingrained the need to be busy is, and how challenging to be still without feeling guilty for being still.  This is perhaps the reason I love sea swimming and Yoga so much, as both encourage present moment awareness and with that a stillness.  Elijah too - I am certainly present with him, unless it is the middle of the night and I awake myself by nodding off while breast feeding!!  I guess there is always further work to be done!!

On that note, time to be with the little fella and make the most of this glorious weather.

With gratitude.

xx

The healing power of good nutrition

My Mum is an angel.  Eighteen days after giving  birth to Elijah and I managed to fulfil my intention of taking Elijah to Herm yesterday as part of Ewan's annual birthday celebration tradition.  Admittedly I didn't make it all the way to Belvoir Bay and I didn't manage to swim in the sea, but that is because I messed up the boat tickets rather than lacking in energy.

So it seems that a combination of iron tablets and an iron rich diet really does work.  Eighteen days after the birth and it is like a switch has been flicked.  Not to say that I am fully back to my usual energy levels, but at least I have the energy to gently exercise again and - apparently - have much more colour in my face.  Hooray!

Mum has been preparing all our meals since the birth, a real joy because not only have I had zero energy nor time for cooking, but because my Mum is a champion cook and has been producing some wonderfully healing meals. In fact I do believe E is dreading me cooking again as he feels it has been like eating in a restaurant every night with such variety and quality dishes.  I am more concerned that I won't continue healing as much as I have done this past few weeks. Thank you Mum.

I am sure there is a little further to go, but it is quite incredible what one can achieve through diet, rest and water alone.  Iron rich foods mean lots of pumpkin seeds, dried apricots, spinach, quality dark 85-90% chocolate, quality red meat, eggs, pulses, watercress and a wide variety of fruits and vegetables.  Plus some nettle tea!

As for Elijah, well we are both learning together.  He is putting on weight and almost making up for lost time as he is munching on my breasts very regularly now.  We are still getting sleep - anything between 4 to 7 hours a night - but there is a lot more regular feeding happening in between.

I love it, this being a mummy malarkey.  It is simply wonderful.  And I have finally slowed down and accepted that life has indeed changed and I can't rush around quite as much as I may have done in the past. And that is fine - as I was reminded by the angel card I pulled earlier - because you are more likely to notice the every day miracles if you slow down.  So already Elijah has taught me so much. 

I am practicing Yoga where I can to help to strengthen the pelvic floor and generally help with healing and keeping the energy and spirits high.  There have been a few emotional outbursts these last few weeks but generally that has arisen as I have been unintentionally battling with what is, rather than accepting it and making peace.

Last weekend we took Elijah to the beach for the first time and while we left him snuggly on the beach, E and I immersed ourselves in the sea.  Gosh it was cold.  I figured it would be good fir the scar although annoyingly it was still too early on in the recovery process to swim.

Last week was frustrating as I started to get sick of being in the house all the time, or simply going to the shop during the day. Friday that changed and I got to go and talk yoga and pregnancy with the wonderful JKT on Radio Guernsey.  Thank you Jen, a pleasure as always.

And then of course yesterday we took Elijah to Herm for his first outing off Island.  Aside from feeding - first time public feeding in a rather packed Mermaid, Elijah got shy first! - he slept for most of the trip, so refreshing to get some fresh air, go walking and spending time with our friends.  Hoorah for the healing power of nature and laughter with friends,

So these really are very blessed times.  Such an opportunity to learn so much about myself and the patterns which no longer serve, and of course to understand and experience this concept of unconditional love for one's child and the way the world reflects back at you with new eyes.  Thank you dear Elijah, my teacher indeed.

Off to try a swim and indulge in some quality dark chocolate - any excuse huh!

With much gratitude

x

Yoga in practice

Elijah is 10 days old today, in fact today was his official due date, until we discovered the placenta previa and all due dates went out the window. 

I am just delighted we have him with us safe and sound, he is such a precious gift, I did not realise how wonderful it would be not only becoming a mother but also just welcoming new life, our own new life at that, into the world.  It does make me reflect on the miracle of this world we live in, and the miracle of creation.

Elijah looks so much like Ewan, it is difficult for Ewan to see it but Mum and I spend the day identifying all the similar mannerisms and facial expressions.  This is wondrous in itself, I even catch glimpses of my brother and my Dad.  Isn't it funny how we pass from generation to generation so a part of us is always alive.

So we are adjusting well.  Due to the C-section and the anaemia I am not allowed to be on my own, not least in case I faint but more so I believe, to make sure I don't overdo it.  This means Mum arrives each morning when Ewan leaves for work and she potters around making all our meals, tidying up, winding Elijah and generally being an absolute star to me.

I admit I spent the first week of being home resisting all the help.  It is tough when one is used to being  so independent and to helping rather than being helped.  Still events have caused me to re-address this and just go with the flow.

On Tuesday we took him to have his photos taken with Yasmin who is a baby photographer.  It was a present from my parents and while I was super resistant to that too, she was quite amazing with him and it was actually really fascinating watching how she worked.  There is no doubt that she has a gift for working with babies and is a baby whisper of sorts, she communicated with Elijah amazingly and I learnt a few tips, which have proved invaluable the last few days.

On Wednesday we were inundated with visitors, or so it seemed, one person after the next and by the end if it all I was absolutely exhausted and Elijah was all out of kilter from being passed around too much and not being in any sort of routine.  It was later that evening that the baby blues - albeit later than one would expect - kicked in.  I had been warned to expect it but still it seemed to come from nowhere as I just spent the evening and night crying.

I guess Elijah could pick up on my energy and was unsettled himself due to the over-stimulating nature of his day, so he barely slept, which simply compounded my mood and left me feeling rather helpless as he continued crying into the early hours of the morning.  It was a horrible feeling and I am only grateful that Ewan took him from me and eased him to sleep, returning him to me when he was nice and settled so that we could get a few hours sleep.

I realised it wasn't so much about Elijah and him not sleeping that particular night.  More so it was a mourning for a loss of pregnancy and the whole build up to the birth.  Being pregnant becomes a whole new way of being, not least the fact you have this little bean growing inside you but also the fact that you are treated so differently by everyone.  And then there is this immense build up to the birth, not just the excitement but also the fear - well for me in any event.  Then you have the baby and you are euphoric.  And then the exhaustion kicks in and it all becomes too much. 

So I guess the baby blues are a combination of all these factors and probably more too, not helped by the weakness and the discomfort of a c-section recovery.  It is all too easy to be filled with a sense of self-pity, which of course is compounded somewhat when your baby will not settle and go to sleep, because that is really all you want to be doing and you have zero control over it!!

Mum was pleased to hear the baby blues had hit.  I am pleased too, for I have felt so very much better since then.  Amazingly so.  I guess everything happens in time and you have to see the dark to see the light again.

I have been eating as much iron rich food as possible to address the anaemia, which has not only made me very pale but was causing light headedness and shortness of breath just walking up the stairs. After much deliberation I decided not to have a blood transfusion, I was fortunate to have the choice as my iron levels were on the borderline.  It is not so much the screening - albeit that that is a concern - but more so the fact you are taking on someone else's energy, which does not sit so easily with me.  They don't say people's blood boils for nothing - it is true that emotions do really live in our bodies.

Instead I have started eating red meat again - the first time in 20 years, which was the last time I was anaemic.  I remember a friend being told she needed to eat red meat to get better again and she resisted and I remember saying she was stupid for doing so.  Faced with the same dilemma myself I can understand her resistance, but I also appreciate that it is not just about me anymore and if I am to get stronger and have my independence and be able to get out and about with Elijah then I need to be proactive in my decision making.  Admittedly there is still the energy side to it, taking on a dead animals' energy and my favourite animal at that.  But for whatever reason that sits more easily with me than someone else's blood.

As Mum is making all our meals she has been kind enough to ensure the meat is very good quality, which helps in reducing negative killing energy. The first meat meal was shepherds pie and while everyone was concerned I would feel sick trying to eat it, this couldn't have been farther from the truth.  I became almost animalistic about it and could not get enough of the stuff.  I have craved it throughout the pregnancy but resisted and now here I was letting go to it and my body could not have been happier.  It just proves once more that the body does always know.  And I have to say a week or so on I do feel so much better and have more colour in my face again.

I started practicing Yoga asana again this week too.  I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful that felt after a week of going without - I believe that may have been the longest time I have gone without since I started practicing over 10 years ago now.  It was just so lovely to move my body and to practice postures I have been unable to practice due to the baby bump.  Of course I have to move very mindfully as the C-section scar heals - but this just adds to the delight of really going within.  It is refreshing too to have 30 minutes on my own without anyone else, some lovely singing bowl music playing and the candles lit.  Special sacred times where I can offer my practice as a way of saying thank you for all the abundance of the last few weeks.

At night I have started to be present to my breath as I breastfeed.  Sometimes this process can take a good hour with all Elijah's faffing about, and more often than not I lose myself in it all and wonder what happened between sitting and trying to watch my breath and finding myself waking from sleep with Elijah lying across my chest.  I guess I do it all in my sleep.  Ewan makes me laugh as more often than not it is him who wakes us because he thinks Elijah has stopped breathing or the cover is across his face.  It never is, not quite sure how it all works but I think us mothers have a sixth sense and if the baby is on you, well I don't worry about suffocating or squashing him, it just feels natural.  Ewan has his turn too and it seems to really calm Elijah if he lies across daddy's chest for a hour or so.  Oh the fun we have!!

As for abundance, we have received so many lovely gifts and cards, we are quite blown away with the generosity of everyone.  The house is filled with flowers and Elijah received the largest teddy bear I have ever seen, so much so that Mum and I almost cried with laughter when it was delivered. Many people have asked to visit too and while we were initially happy to see everyone, we have now retreated a little so we can establish a routine and enjoy some quality time together, just us and the doting parents.

This weekend I am very much looking forward to spending time with Ewan and Elijah and taking our little man for his first visit to the beach - I suspect it is still too soon for me to swim in the sea, but we shall see.  All these things are so good for the soul and I believe it is so important to get out into nature as much as possible when you are trying to heal.

Other than that, we shall simply enjoy each moment.  There is nothing to make you more present than simply sitting and watching your baby's changing expressions.  Yoga in practice indeed, amazing how something so small can help to out the larger picture into perspective so that you no longer - well not for now anyway - sweat the small stuff!!

With much gratitude.

xx

Elijah!

Well this has possibly been one of the more memorable weeks of my life as I became a Mummy for the first time!

Elijah Iain Mcinnes entered the world at 11.34am on Tuesday 12 November 2013 weighing 6lbs and 15oz.

He is named after the Prophet from the Book of Kings who we understand performed miracles and was a miracle himself.  He feels like Ewan and my miracle as there was a time when we were not sure we would be able to have a baby of our own, plus I ended up with full grade placenta previa and he stuck in there until my planned C-section without me losing any blood or needing emergency medical care, despite teaching and practising Yoga right up until the end.

In fact it wouldn't surprise me if the Yoga helped to keep the placenta in place.  I knew from 20 weeks that the placenta was low lying so I immediately changed my Yoga practice to accommodate this.  Usually when you are pregnant, you practise poses to open the groins and cervix, but for me, I practised poses that kept this area closed and strong instead.  Interestingly - well for me anyway - my sacrum caused me lots of problems throughout the pregnancy, so that actually any leg opening and folding poses caused me pain, so I guess you could say that the body, with the low lying placenta, was protecting itself already.

Life is full of challenges and while I would not like to go through placenta previa again, it did provide me with an opportunity to really go within.  I wish perhaps I had worried less, and had more faith that it would all turn out fine in the end.  Not to say I would choose to go through that whole C-section experience again, but with Elijah lying here in my arms, it was all of course worth it.

I am biased of course but he is a joy.  It was the strangest feeling being given him to hold in my arms for the first time, a stranger almost, and yet not. I had spent the pregnancy connecting with the bean, and now here he was beside me and no more kicking and hiccupping in my tummy.  Five days on and I can't imagine my life without him.

It was strange knowing when we were going to have him.  I worked right up until 5.30pm the night before his arrival, always the way with work that it gets super busy before you are going off for any length of time.  In many respects this was good, as I was nervous and so this kept me a little distracted.

Neither Ewan nor I managed to sleep much on Monday night - the endless night - and it was a relief when the alarm went off at 6am.  I managed to squeeze in a Yoga and meditation practice before we went to the hospital for our 8am start.  Due to the low lying nature of my placenta there was a concern that I could lose a lot of blood during the C-section, which may result in the need for a general anaesthetic.  It was this that concerned me more than anything else. 

I had initially elected for a home birth so I could tap into the spiritual experience of birthing, so to be told that I may not be awake for the birth and that Ewan would not be allowed in the theatre room if it did go to general, was  very upsetting for me and I had to dig super deep to try and prepare myself with some level of acceptance and ability to go with the flow if the birth went down this route.

We had to wait around at the hospital for some time as there was an emergency C-section before us.  This didn't help.  Nor the fact that the ward was short staffed so we were moved from one midwife to another before ending up with Giuseppe, a wonderful male Italian midwife.

I can't really remember exact timings but I have a feeling I went down before 11am.  It was all a bit scary really, I am not one for that medical world and it is all so clinical.  The theatre staff, however, were wonderful, and I ended up chatting with a lady called Francis about baby names and Yoga, see, it gets everywhere! I knew I needed to be super still for the epidural but couldn't help irrationally shaking.  I tuned in to my breath of course and that helped, but not quite the same as checking into it when birthing naturally!!

It was the strangest feeling not being able to move my legs.  My blood pressure dropped, which made me feel really sick.  Now that was horrible as I couldn't move my legs and had all these things in my hands so I couldn't really move them either and I was wondering how I cold be sick without choking.  Fortunately the anaesthetist was able to sort very quickly and then Ewan joined me, which was my major concern, so I was able to relax a little with him beside me.

Ewan got stuck into the whole experience and watched them cut me open and was amused when Elijah's head popped out of my tummy before he rest of him was pulled out too.  Ewan identified that he was indeed a boy as we had suspected from the beginning and got to go and sort the cord and watch him being cleaned up while the wonderful Mr Jensen attended to my placenta, which fortunately came out straight away, so that while I still lost over a litre of blood, this was
not as bad as it could have been.  Ewan got to hold our new born son while I was being stitched up.

Back in the recovery room I finally got to hold my little monkey man in my one of my arms, although that whole 2 hours is a bit lost on me as my blood pressure was being controlled and whatever else they needed to do before we were able to go back to the ward.

We were back on the ward by 1.30pm, we telephoned our parents and both our mother's were with us within the hour.  My memory is a bit hazy as the drugs wore off and my legs came back to life again, but I do remember everything feeling a little surreal that here we were with a baby and just wanting to tell the world!  The afternoon is hazy, there was some breastfeeding to learn, blood pressure and blood loss checks, and finally some food!

That first night was strange, on my own in a hospital with a baby lying in a box beside me.  I couldn't move due to the catheter so I couldn't actually attend to the baby so the midwife had to change his nappies and I ended up holding him much of the night.  I insisted the catheter was taken out after 12 hours so that I could get up and move around, such a relief and almost a lovely novelty to be up during the night hours, there is something special about being up in those witching hours and I was high on euphoric energy and the novelty of no indigestion and nurses bringing me tea!

Wednesday is a big blur, more breast feeding and endless texts and emails and some visitors and my Dad holding the baby having been given the all clear from whooping cough, and me feeling really sore and struggling to move as easily as I would do normally and getting to know my little boy so tiny and new to the world.  The night was tough as he wouldn't settle in his bed as I guess he was so used to be being held and the so I fell asleep with him in my bed and the midwife went mad as it is against hospital policy, so I gave up on sleeping and held him instead, more tea, what a joy to drink this again!

Thursday and blood tests showed I was severely anaemic and on the threshold for a blood transfusion, which I have declined, at this stage anyway.  On the basis my Mum is able to help me out, I was allowed to go home on Thursday afternoon, a bit of a surprise for everyone, especially Ewan who was recovering from the Head Wetting celebrations!

So we came home and my wonderful Mum has virtually moved in to help out while Ewan works as I am not allowed to be left on my own due to the risk of feinting from iron deficiency.  What a joy!

Still it is not so bad, admittedly day 4, Saturday, was tough as the sleep deprivation kicked in and I over did it with a gentle Yoga practice and going into town to have Elijah's passport photos taken (and to enjoy a much needed decaf soya latte at Costa!), but I managed to get 5 hours sleep last night so am feeling fine...well finer than I did yesterday in any event. It is all a learning experience and an opportunity for mindfulness and now the milk is flowing - quite literally, now that is a learning experience too! - then hopefully we can get into a routine of sorts...well at least it will all start to become a little more familiar!

With much love and gratitude.

x

November sea swimming for the soul

Oh my gosh, we are all going to wash away at this rate, how can there be so much rain?!

Having said that, wasn't Sunday lovely, such a novelty to have a windless and rainless day - well part of it in any event.

E and I managed a few swims I the sea this weekend too.  Saturday after a massive clean of the house (me, not Ewan, nesting you see!) we went in at Petit Bot, which was not particularly enjoyable as the waves were quite high but it did make me feel more alive afterwards.  Sadly the cleaning, well the hovering, has not helped my sacral iliac and spd issues, I am told it is a common problem for flexible pregnant yoga practitioners but did mean I was positively waddling when we went shopping later in the day and actually there were moments when I didn't feel I could walk much further.  Amazing how the body does what it does to help prevent you doing yourself some serious damage.  Needless to say Saturday evening was spent lying down and resting the joints.

Sunday I felt much better and so decided to have an active day - I am making the most of it while I can as the baby will be coming this week, by C-section, due to placenta previa.  We went for a swim at Saints Bay this time, it was wonderful, high tide and the sun came out.  Typically there was one other swimmer there when we arrived but then we did have the place to ourselves.  I just love that you can do that over here, find a spot away from the rest of the world.  It was cold and the stones underfoot certainly gave the feet a good massage!!  Still I felt much more awake afterwards and set me up for the rest of the day.

I made the most of the calmer and drier weather and cleaned my car before going for a walk of sorts with Mum - certainly wasn't our usual pace as I had to waddle to keep my pelvis in check!  E and I managed a swim at the Grande Mare a little later, now this really does help the back, you just have to avoid breast stroke.  I finished off the day with pregnancy yoga on the ball with the lovely Anita Davies.  Admittedly I wasn't able to do much, but all the breathing and relaxation certainly chilled me out for a good night's sleep ahead.

The most challenging aspect of the pregnancy now is the heart burn.  This could be complicated by my anaemia and the need to take iron tablets and also the fact the baby is not able to engage so is still quite high and therefore pressing into my stomach but my gosh, I will be pleased to have my digestive system working properly again soon.  Aside from that, I am going to miss my bump when the baby has been born.  I am familiar with the bean's movements, there is a pattern to it, and it will feel weird to sit and work and not have him/her with me.  Same with Yoga, I shall have to sit him/her in the room as he/she may miss the energy of it all as it has been such a part of him/her the last 9 months.

And on that note it is indeed that time of day.  Time to go practice and pray for brighter skies later so that we can all enjoy some fresh air without getting soaking went in the process - as a gardener poor E has no choice but to be out there in it!!  which reminds me, it is a full moon at the end of the week, so we could be having an interesting time ahead!

With much gratitude and love.

xxxx

This and that

So it seems that we have made some progress with Bazza cat.  We let him out and he came back again!  I was really chuffed.  The funny thing is that now he is able to go out, he doesn't seem quite so bothered.  We are not sure if that is due to the other cats in the area or the fact that now the opportunity is there, it is not such a big deal for him.

We had to take Flufster cat to the vet on Saturday.  She developed a really dodgy eye throughout the day so we registered her at a vets (bearing in mind she moved in with us) and took her in.  It turns out she was is actually a "he", which is kind of strange to get our head around as now we have two boy cats and I can't stop referring to Flufster as a she.  Anyhow turns out she has a puncture wound from another cat on the side of her head.  We shall never know the truth, whether it was Bazza or not, but all seems rather coincidental to me!!

So life really has been about the cats.  And of course a little about the baby.  Phew the baby must be getting rather squashed in there the poor little thing.  Incredible to think that if everything was going to the natural plan then I could still have another 4 weeks to go, what with them often being late the first time around.  Probably just as well I don't have that long to go, not quite sure how I would walk, let alone sleep.  The only comfortable place would be the swimming pool where one feels weightless!!

Talking of swimming, we have been going swimming in the sea at the weekends.  Last Sunday was particularly rough down at Petit Bot, but a fabulous way to wake up and feel alive.  That is the bit I enjoy the most - certainly not the getting in the sea, but the feeling one gets afterwards.  I love the fact that it is often just Ewan and I down there too, he thinks I am strange but I love the freedom that comes with having a beach to yourself and the opportunity to change without having to hide behind a towel.  You and nature.  Can't beat it.

It is rather strange not teaching, all of a sudden I have much more time on my hands, which has been welcomed, work has been particularly busy so it is lovely to come home and be able to go swimming or read or lie in front of the TV and watch the wonderful Downton Abbey!  It is a novelty of course, but one I am embracing all the same.

So that is life for me, constantly on the change, or so it seems.  Shame the weather seems stuck on rain, would love to see a few more of those crisp autumnal days.

Oh well, time to go practice...

xxx

Acceptance...just sit with it and see what happens!

There was an article in the Sunday Times Style magazine that caught my attention this week.  It was entitled "Meditation Generation" and was suggesting that the "Millennials" are turning to meditation where Generation X turned to Yoga.  I am not sure I totally agree with this as many people have been meditating for many years, just they don't make a song and dance about it as much as is made these days.

Still I like the opening quote, which reads, "The model and actress Daisy Lowe started practicing transcendental meditation earlier this year.  "I do it morning and evening, for 20 minutes, wherever I am.  On the bed or the sofa; in the garden with my little Maltese, Monty, in cars, on trains or planes; and once in my friend Joseph Reuben's dressing room".

"It is powerful at first", she says.  "So many people in my life fell away".  I assume she means flaky showbiz chums and she laughs. "Some of those went, but I had the worst break up with a  really old friend.  Then people I hadn't seen for years started coming back into my life - people who don't drain me, who I have a balanced relationship with",

Of course this resonates with me too.  Beginning a meditation practice was indeed quite a profound experience in terms of how it does change things on the outside, the more you sit with things on the inside.  Your energy changes and people do drop away, but more than that, it is that word balance that comes into play.  Not least in terms of balanced relationships as mentioned above, but more so balance to one's life.

People frequently tell me they would like to start meditating and do I know of a class they can join.  Well I do, but of course going to a class does not make "meditation" any less challenging.  Like everything in life you need to practice and yes of course, you can encourage some discipline in your practice by attending a class, but really you just need to get on with it.

I didn't really start practicing meditation in earnest until over a year ago now.  I wasn't ready really.  I mean I did meditate, I used to attend a class and of course I have attended many Yoga retreats which encouraged daily meditation and I have gone through spells where I have listened to guided meditations or undertaken a 40 day kundalini meditation plan, but I hadn't committed to a regular practice.

That all changed last year where we were faced with fertility issues and most of the holistic material I read suggested incorporating a daily meditation practice into your life.  So this is what I did.  I started sitting for 20 minutes each morning watching my breath, "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" and trying to catch myself when my mind started wandering and labelling such wandering "thinking" for that is exactly what it is.  You do it without judgement, there is nothing wrong with thinking, the challenge is to catch the fact you are doing it, "awakening" to it therefore, and with that awakening comes present moment awareness, and in theory the more you practice that, the more present to you are in day to day life.

Not only that of course, meditation comes with many positive benefits including the prevention, treatment or even cure for many things including stress, chronic pain, depression, backache, colds, weight loss, insomnia, arthritis, eczema, loneliness, anxiety and of course learning to accept and deal with what is happening in each moment and encouraging, therefore, an ability to go with the flow and allow stuff to wash over you so you can maintain greater peace of mind and wellbeing.

While I only sit for 20 minutes a day, it can still be a challenge, but the more you do it, the more you will find you miss it if you don't do it.  Taking twenty minutes out to sit in silence is indeed a joy in what is often a noisy and frenetic world we live in these days.  I have no doubt that the meditation has played a powerful role in helping me to deal with the challenges that this last year or so has brought to me.

At 20 weeks I was diagnosed with placenta praevia, which affects 1 in 200 women.  Basically this means that the placenta sits low in the uterus, which is far from ideal, as it can block the baby's natural exit into the world and result in extreme blood loss for the woman, which could lead to death.  There are 4 grades to placenta praevia depending on where the placenta is sitting and I have the most extreme, which I believe takes me to odds of 1 in 1,000. 

This was not an easy diagnosis to accept initially.  I had planned on a home birth so I could tap into the spiritual energy of the whole natural birthing experience from the peace and quiet of my own home.  In fact I was very passionate about it and read many books in preparation.  So discovering that I have no choice but to go to the other end of the birthing spectrum and have a C-section in a very medical environment was far from ideal.

Still, as is always the case when life throws such challenges to me, it encouraged yet more time on my mat, to meditate and practice Yoga and just be with what is.  I turned to the iching too, a wonderful book that helps one to deal with life's changes, so that you can develop a deeper understanding of what is going on for you.  Of course there were tears for the loss of the much longed for and envisioned birth, but also there was an acceptance of the present moment and the fact that this is how clearly how it is meant to be and with that, no doubt many benefits.

For example I quickly realised how judging I had been towards women who chose a more medical birthing route, and how limiting I had been in considering that one can only tap into the spiritual nature of childbirth from the comfort of one's own home.  So if anything, the fact I have had to go through this process has been transforming on many levels.  Not least in letting go and going with the flow, but also in terms of realising that every moment offers an opportunity for spiritual growth.

It sounds obvious I know.  But I also now know it to be true.  As is always the case at times like this, people and books come into your life to help to learn more about whatever it is you are going through.  And I don't mean in my case, learning more about the condition, but more so about how to live more in touch with what is going on.  In the past I would opt to run away from anything too painful to deal with in the moment, be that literally going away, or be that consuming that extra glass of wine to numb the pain.  Being pregnant meant I could neither run away nor drown my sorrows, so that has been a hugely liberating experience, for it has proven to me that there is another way and that other way does involve just sitting with it and making peace on the inside.

It doesn't mean it is always easy, there have been days of self pity, but at the end of the day, we choose our experiences.  And meditation, I believe, helps us to catch ourselves when we are choosing an experience that does not compliment our higher self, that does not do us any favours.  Of course we are bound to stumble along the way and mistakes will be made, for how else do we learn and grow, but with practice and time, well, I don't know, stuff just changes, we transform.  And then the challenge is stepping into that transformation and realising we are not the same person we were a few months earlier, if anything, we are becoming more and more true to ourselves as the "rubbish" drops away.

The whole pregnancy journey has been an incredibly humbling experience and I wouldn't change any aspect of it.  So I have to have a C-section, but it could be worse, it can always be worse, and no doubt there is a bigger picture to all this that I am only now beginning to glimpse - I am a great believer that things happen for a reason. 
It is like that wonderful quote from Jack Kornfield:

..." Occasionally we get to choose the cycles we work with, such as choosing to get married or beginning a career. At these times it is helpful to meditate, to reflect on which direction will bring us closer to our path with heart, which will offer the spiritual lesson that it is time for in our life. More often we don't get to choose. The great cycles of our life wash over us, presenting us with challenges and difficult rites of passage much bigger than our ideas of where we are going. Midlife crisis, threats of divorce, personal illness, sickness of our children, money problems, or just running yet again into our own insecurity or unfulfilled ambition can seem like difficult yet mundane parts of life to get over with so we can become peaceful and do our spiritual practice. But when we bring to them attention and respect, each of those tasks has a spiritual lesson in them. It may be a lesson of staying centred through great confusion, or a lesson of forbearance, developing a forgiving heart with someone who has caused us pain. It may be a lesson of acceptance or a lesson of courage, finding the strength of heart to stand our ground and live from our deepest values...Difficult cycles are everyone's practice".

Time and time again, if we are indeed following a spiritual path, then we will be given many opportunities for growth and transformation.  You could say it is answered prayers, for prayers do get answered but perhaps just not in the way we expect.  For example if I pray to be of service, to be a better Yoga teacher, then no doubt life will present me with many an opportunity to delve that little bit deeper, to develop my sense of compassion, or awareness of healing or perhaps my experience of certain situations so that I can have more empathy towards others.  There is always work to be done.  But the key perhaps is to just get on with living, to let go, let go and let go again, and remember to keep your feet on the ground,  smile and laugh and have fun!!  Oh and of course, sit and meditate a little every day if you can as you never know what may happen!  Which leads me to a final quote from Jack Kornfield:

"Every spiritual life entails a succession of difficulties because every ordinary life also involves a succession of difficulties, what the Buddha described as the inevitable sufferings of existence. In a spiritually informed life, however, these inevitable difficulties can be the source of our awakening, of deepening wisdom, patience and compassion. Without this perspective, we simply bear our sufferings like an ox or a foot soldier under a heavy load. Like the young maiden in the fairy tale "Rumpelstiltskin" who is locked in a room of straw, we often do not realize that the straw all around us is gold in disguise. The basic principle of spiritual life is that our problems become the very place to discover wisdom and love".

It is all so true.  Life is full of magic even in the midst of all the madness...or perhaps even more so in the midst of all the madness!

With gratitude.

xx

Cats: how they have changed my world!

I have always loved cats.  My first cat was called P.C. because I was only little at the time and "puddy cat" was the best I could do so the folks shortened the name to P.C.  he was a lovely grey moggie who I used to dress in my doll's clothes and push around in my doll's pram.  When he got old and was unable to move so easily I made him a ramp so he could walk up onto my bed as jumping had become a little challenging for him.  I was devastated when he had to out to sleep when I was about 13 years old.  That is one of the only times I have ever seen my Dad cry for he loved that cat too.

With his passing the only way to console us was to invest in a new cat.  We wanted another grey cat and the only way to guarantee one was to go pedigree.  This was rather exciting for I had wanted a British Blue for some time.  So Mum found a breeder in Jersey and we signed up for a kitten.  The kitten was born on Christmas Day and while we had to wait a few months before it was able to come over to us in Guernsey, Dad and I went to Jersey twice to see her when she was little.

We had actually asked for a boy, but she turned out to be a girl and the breeder was quite keen to breed her.  We sent her over to Jersey when she was of the right age but she went ballistic when the male cat was put into her cage.  We regretted very much sending her over as that whole experience, not least the male cat, but also another inter-Island flight, didn't do much to help soothe her nerves.  She was always a little bit highly strung but wonderful with the immediate family and we loved her very much.  She was called Ashe and she was my best friend during my teen age years.

Going to University was upsetting for both of us.  Mum had stripped my bed and she went into mourning thinking I had died.  I missed her hugely while I was away and was always so excited to see her again when I came home in the holidays.  And of course from then on, we always made sure to leave my bedding, and therefore my smell, in the house when I had gone.  These days you can Skype your pets when you are at Uni, you can even put them on facebook and receive regular updates, how times have changed!!

When I was about 26 I bought a house with my brother and we moved in together leaving Ashe with my parents.  Life was very different back then.  I was a professional working my way up the career ladder in the fiduciary world.  I smoked and drank wine regularly to ease the stress of it all (or so I thought, of course it is counter productive!).  I spent most of my spare time playing sport.  I was a county and regional netball player as well as playing local club.  I also played club and Island level volleyball, as well as enjoying regular swimming and squash.  Despite all this I was deeply insecure, hormonally imbalanced, and a bit of a lost soul.

It is difficult to remember the sequence of events but I took a sabbatical and went off travelling around the world when I was 27.  I only lasted 5 months as I finally left a dark and destructive relationship while I was living and working in New Zealand and fled back home to Guernsey.  That was a really dark time in my life and I lived with my parents for a few months as I tried to gain a grip on myself again.  I started running with a  friend (amazing how healing running can be and how it moves you literally from A to B in your life) and that was really a turning point, not least the opportunity to run away from what I had left behind, but also the time to think and reflect and work out all that anger and frustration, let alone the healing benefits of exercise and being outside in nature.

We ended up signing up for the London Marathon and so that winter was spent running!  I had moved back into my house by then and met a wonderful man who was really my knight in shining armour and I shall always be indebted to him for his kindness.  Work was going well, I had thrown myself into it, and when I was given a bonus I decided it was time to bring some cats into my life.  Not sure why, I just had one of those feelings.  So I researched and found a breeder in Kent and ordered myself two male British Blue kittens.

Now this was the strangest thing - or not, as these things are never as strange as you think - I decided to call them Alfie and Bertie after my grandfathers.  My brother came with me to collect them from the airport, these two balls of grey fluff meowing in their box, and we discovered that their pedigree names were Alfius and Bertius.  Now how weird is that!  So they were meant to be, a gift from above there is no doubt.

One of them, Bertie, had a beard.  I jest not.  He had this pointy beard and as a result he was £50 cheaper than Alfie, who could have been a full on show cat as he is so typically "British Blue". They were just such lovely cats each with very different personalities.  Bertie, our wizard cat, the one with the beard, was so friendly and giving and incredibly hapless too.  It was nerve wracking at times, once he got his back paw caught in the top of the radiator and was hanging from it when I rescued him.  Then another time he jumped into the bath by accident, full of water as it was.  Another time he got a plastic bag caught around his head and was running around the house like a lunatic.  He was definitely using up his 9 lives very quickly that first year!

Alfie on the other hand was a very nervous cat and I had to work really hard to try and get him to come out of his shell.  He very much lived in the shadow of Bertie and was very selective about who he allowed to touch him, I guess he is shy really.  Still, he was also lots of fun, just not quite as hapless as Bertie!!

There is no doubt those cats came into my life for a reason, into my brother's life too actually.  Cats have this ability to help heal, not least by their very nature, but just stroking them can have such a calming effect and they can really touch the heart and reveal it again.  Combined with all the running and the knight in shining armour, the guardian angels were indeed working hard using all these earth angels to move my life on, get me back on my real path.  It is perhaps therefore, no surprise, that a few months after getting the cats and a few months after running the marathon, that my brother and I started attending Vanessa Lasenby's yoga classes.  And as soon as we started we were both fairly hooked.  Little did we know how much our lives were about to change.

It was about this time that I also discovered Carol Champion and nutrition, and Alyssa Burns-Hill and Reiki.  The combined effect of good nutrition, Reiki sessions and the Yoga certainly helped to change my perspective on life(and heal) and within the year I had left my full time job, sold the house and bought a ticket to go - strangely as I didn't know it was such a Yoga mecca - to Byron Bay Australia, which I had visited about 5 years previously and felt drawn to visit again. My brother had also gone through some change and was also off travelling before moving to the UK to live with his girlfriend back then. 

As for the cats, well my parents were happy to have them move in with them.  So that is exactly what happened, the cats settled with Ashe (who sadly never quite got over having her house invaded by two younger male cats) and Ross and I went off travelling.  Strangely, or not, as these things never are, within a month of us travelling and the day before Ross joined me in Byron Bay, Bertie was killed by a car in our quiet clos near Vazon.  It was the most unfortunate of things because we had lived in town with the cats previously and the traffic there as far worse than the slow moving cars in ur clos, but it was obviously meant to be.  My parents were devastated, my Dad particularly as he had established a relationship with Bertie at that stage and was there when it happened.

The folks felt really responsible but there really was no need.  I have no doubt that that wonderfully giving and magical wizard cat came into our lives to move us from A to B.  And here we were both of us now in Byron Bay and his work was done.  of course we didn't realise back then how much Byron was going to shape our lives.  For me it was the beginning of many trips to the town, undertaking my Yoga teacher training course as well as attending an enormous amount of classes and doing a brief apprenticeship of sorts with an experienced teacher based in the town.  My brother also ended up doing his teaching training there and met his Australian girlfriend with whom he now has a little girl and they all live together just a little bit out of town.  So of course my folks have now also travelled to Byron a number of times and E and I will no doubt continue to return over the years.

Back here in Guernsey the folks contacted the breeder and they bought the sister of Alfie and Bertie who the breeder had kept to breed.  So when I returned to Guernsey from that first trip, I met Bumble Bee, the incredibly giving and happy go lucky sister of Alfie and Bertie.  Alfie has changed over the years, adjusting to being the centre of attention after Bertie's demise and also terrorising his sister when he is bored!  As for Bumble, she is such a cute cat, sadly has an eye problem and we have flown in a private plane to the UK with her to get her eye treated properly at a specialist cat eye clinic outside of London.  The things we do for our pets!!!

Anyhow, over 3 years ago now I moved in with E in St Andrews leaving my cats with my parents - my parents are besotted and would be bereft without those cats!  And not long after I moved in a black and white fluffy cat started coming into the house. E discouraged her initially but over time he got used to her coming in and started stroking her and making friends with her.  And then to cut a long story short we started looking after her.  She had lots of ticks and was scrawny and flea ridden, so we fed her, de-ticked her, de-flead her and de-worked her.  Three years on and Flufster, as we call her, basically lives with us.  She does have an owner, the son of one of our neighbours who no long lives at home, and over the years she has moved from house to house, so that she actually has 3 names - Rocco, Sweep and Flufster.  rather funny really!!  We live near the Baliff and rumour has it she has been caught sleeping on his bed!!

I love the Flufster cat, she is her own person, does her own thing, not scared of other cats and can be very giving.  There is no doubt that she came into our lives for a reason as so much has changed during the last 3 years and E loves having animals back in his life after years without them.  One should never underestimate the positive influence of pets in people's lives.

All was well and good, we were all settled, baby on the way, nice calm house, lovely.  And then E's brother and sister-in-law moved to Australia with Specsavers about 3 weeks ago now for  a 2 year contract, and prior to leaving they were desperate to find someone to take in their cat, a 6 year old Bengal cat called Bazza.  We didn't like to think of him being left on his own to go feral so E agreed that we would take him in.  Oh what a decision that was!

Bazza did not like moving in with us.  He is half Asian leopard and a hunting cat and being locked in my Yoga room with all those crystals and incense was not doing it for him.  Those first few days were awful.  He could smell Flufster and he roared and hissed and was really rather scary.  We let him into our main living space and on the occasions that Flufster was also there he became inconsolable so that E actually had to wear gloves to move him back into the Yoga room.  Upon reflection the poor thing was super confused, he didn't know that his family had gone to live the other side of the world.

Five days into having him it was a full moon and he was beside himself to get out and I was beside myself to let him out as he was disrupting the whole calmness of the house so we put butter on his paws as you are told to do and let him into the garden.  Big mistake!  We didn't see him again for 5 days.  He only managed to find his way back to his old house a good couple of miles away.  How do cats do this, it is incredible!!  We had a feeling that was where he was headed so we left some flyers around the area and a kind neighbour called to say how sorry they were to hear that he was missing and that they missed him for he kept the vermin population under control in the area.  She seemed to think he would be better living feral in the area.  In fact I had decided I also thought he would be better living feral in the area, especially if he was that territorial.

Still it was not meant and while he did go back to his old house and the new residents gave him some tuna, he didn't stick around and 5 days after leaving us E got a call from the animal shelter saying he had been found in Torteval, what a wander indeed!!!  So E had to go and collect him and I came home that night almost a little disappointed to find him back in the Yoga room again!  This time though, things  would be different.  We were no longer scared of him nor going to put up with his roaring and hissing, which is essentially a front for the fact that he is a bit of a scaredy cat underneath it all.  He had to fit in with us and not us with him - good training for the change of parenthood perhaps!!

Nine days in and he is really getting quite irritated that he cannot go outside.  But progress has been made, he purrs a lot and enjoys being stroked and fussed over.  Both he and Flufster can now be in the same room, although she does tease him a little and he still hisses at her, and I wouldn't like to leave them alone unaccompanied just yet.  He is really rather entertaining, although I must admit it took me a while to find the entertaining side to his actions last night.

I came home from an 8 hour day in the office and had half an hour before I had to head to teach again and was looking forward to sitting on my mat for 10 minutes.  But alas it was not meant to be for Bazza had managed to push the wicker basket off the top of the washing machine, spilling its contents all over the floor, shredding a toilet roll, slicing open the bags of dried cat food and spreading their contents all over the floor.  Sigh.  I left E to clear it all up and went off to Yoga instead, which of course helped me to realise the funny side to it all by the time I returned home again!!

The animal shelter have told us we have to keep him in for 5 weeks. However I suspect he will have done quite a bit of claw related damage by then so we may have a bash this weekend and accompany him into the garden this time.  I'll let you know how we get on!!

It does make me laugh how cats come in and out of our lives and what they bring to it with their timing.  A year ago we were footloose and fancy free and now here we are, E and I, two cats and a baby on the way.  Life will indeed never be the same again - and that is the point isn't it, change is always a good thing, even better when it happens and we just have to get on and deal with it.

Happy Halloween - the night of cats on broomsticks, happy flying this evening!

xxxxx

Necessary healing...of course it is all about the practice

"Many people first come to spiritual practice hoping to skip over their sorrows and wounds, the difficult areas of their lives.  They hope to rise above them and enter a spiritual realm full of divine grace, free from all conflict.  Some spiritual practices actually do encourage this and teach ways of accomplishing this through intense concentration and ardour that brings about states of rapture and peace.  Some powerful yogic practices can transform the mind.  While such practices have their value, an inevitable disappointment occurs when they end, for as soon as practitioners relax in their discipline, they again encounter all the unfinished business of the body and the heart that they had hoped to leave behind....True maturation on the spiritual path requires that we discover the depth of our wounds: our grief from the past, unfulfilled longing, the sorrow that we have stored up during the course of our lives.  As Achaan Chah put it, "If you haven't cried deeply a number of times, your meditation hasn't really begun".  This healing is necessary is we are to embody spiritual life lovingly and wisely.  Unhealed pain and rage, unhealed traumas from childhood abuse or abandonment, become powerful unconscious forces in our lives.  Until we are able to bring awareness and understanding to our old wounds, we will find ourselves repeating their patterns of unfulfilled desire, anger, and confusion over and over again" (Jack Kornfield).

I love what Jack Kornfield says, for it resonates so much with my own experience.  I appreciate we are all different however and all have our own experiences, so sharing is as good as it gets.  It really is all about the practice.

Many people have asked me lately if I am still practicing while pregnant, which I find an interesting question, for the fact I am pregnant should not really change anything, in so much of life is a practice, pregnancy is a practice, and yes, I still also get on my mat to practice.  In fact pregnancy has provided a wonderful opportunity to learn so much more about the conditioning and patterns of one's life, of the need to let go to re-create and allow new energy into life, of patience, oh yes, lots of patience, and of course of one's attitude, armour and "reaction" to change.  It is marvellous and I am grateful for each moment of this rather incredible journey and opportunity to work on myself and try and be a better person.

I only have a few weeks to go now, this is my last week of teaching for I am noticing that my energy levels are more challenged than normal and I am drawn more to retreating.  Which is perhaps not surprising as Mercury is retrograde and we should all be retreating a little, spiritually at least, so we can allow the effects of the last few months sink in.  This is certainly not a time for beginning new projects, instead we should take a back seat for a while, at least until 10th November when Mercury is no longer retrograde.

There are big storms on the way, yet another opportunity to stay centred as the storm blows off all that excess energy around us.  No doubt it will create all sorts of confusion - as Mercury retrograde does - but perhaps we will feel much clearer when it has all passed.  I, for one, am looking forward to pinecome hunting thereafter, should be quite a few fallen over the next few days, nothing quite like foraging for the winter fire, nature's gift from a stormy day.

It will be interesting to see what happens when the wind gets up the cat's tail.  We have taken in a Bengal cat who is struggling to adjust to his new home and our existing cat (who is not the slightest bit perturbed by all the hissing and growling).  But more on that another time.

With much gratitude...and happy practicing.

xxx

Discovering wisdom and joy - full moon passing

 

 

"Every spiritual life entails a succession of difficulties because every ordinary life also involves a succession of difficulties, what the Buddha described as the inevitable sufferings of existence. In a spiritually informed life, however, these inevitable difficulties can be the source of our awakening, of deepening wisdom, patience and compassion. Without this perspective, we simply bear our sufferings like an ox or a foot soldier under a heavy load. Like the young maiden in the fairy tale "Rumpelstiltskin" who is locked in a room of straw, we often do not realize that the straw all around us is gold in disguise. The basic principle of spiritual life is that our problems become the very place to discover wisdom and love". Jack Kornfield.

I can relate to this entirely, for me life  - like so many I am sure - has provided many difficulties, which have served as opportunities for awakening and discovering more wisdom and indeed love.  This pregnancy has not been without its on going challenges and there have been many moments when I have had to laugh in the face of despair at the manner in which the opportunities for growth - in a spiritual and heart-felt level - have presented themselves to me. The very fact I have not been able to numb myself through alcohol or running away, has been a blessing in terms of the awareness I have instead been able to gain.

Like many others I have spent much of my life trying to avoid difficulties and running away from them when they do appear, and yet now I see how much we should welcome them into our lives for the messages, teachings and experience they provide.  Whether others can sense a change I do not know, but I feel a change within me, especially this last year, with all the challenges E and I have faced to try to make dreams into realities.

Reading Jack Kornfield's book, "A Path with Heart" has been a joy, the timing has been impeccable as these usually are and I have taken much comfort from his words.  He writes:

"The Tibetan Buddhist tradition instructs all beginning students in a practice called Making Difficulties into the Path.  This involves consciously taking our unwanted sufferings, the sorrows of our life, the struggles within us and the world outside, and using them as a ground for nourishment of our patience and compassion, the place to develop grater freedom and our true Buddha nature.  Difficulties are considered of such great value that a Tibetan prayer recited before each step of practice actually asks for them:

Grant that I may be given appropriate difficulties and sufferings on this journey so that my heart may be truly awakened and my practice of liberation and universal compassion may be truly fulfilled. In this spirit, the Persian poet Rumi writes about a priest who prays for thieves and muggers on the streets.  Why is this?

Because they have done me such generous favours.
Every time I turn back towards the things they want
I run into them. They beat me ad leave me
in the road, and I understand again, that what they want
is not what I want.
Those that make you return, for whatever reason,
to the spirit, be grateful to them.
Worry about the others who give you
delicious comfort that keeps you from prayer."

It is so true, as ever Rumi is an inspired soul, awakened indeed. 

I find this all rather fascinating actually, especially when it comes to the world of teaching Yoga and witnessing the energy of students and their comings and goings from class.  Some are very committed, making an appearance week in and week out.  Others come when they need the support and then drop off when life sorts itself out again, some come and then find that it is all too much, the spiritual side, the time with themselves, the awakening, that they turn their back and go to sleep again, and others more, just can't seem to break through the door, despite being drawn, time and time again.

For many years I have wanted to make it better for people, to take away their pain, but I have learnt over the years that you cannot take away others pain, you can not remove their difficulties and their sufferings, caretaking for them so that actually you end up exhausting yourself (and on an extreme, as I have witnessed with a number of holistic practitioners, focusing all your energy on trying to save others so you don't have the time to look at your own pain and suffering) in the process.  No, that doesn't work, not in the long term, we have to do the work ourselves, we have to sit with our pain and suffering.

That is not to say I cannot help.  We can all help on some level.  Just being there can help.  As can teaching Yoga and sharing what we may have learned from our own life experiences, from the difficulties we have faced, from the practices we have learned that may help to ease and indeed let go of the pain.  Yoga.  That's my thing.  Yoga has been transforming for me on so many levels.  Healing.  Inspiring.  Awakening.  Energising. It has opened up a whole new bright, wonderful  world to me.  I want to share it with everyone, to help everyone to feel this sense of connectedness to self and to the greater whole.  But everyone has their way, and it is not my place to preach or judge or push onto someone else.

It has been a busy time and I am delighted that the Aries full moon has now passed and we are waning down.  It is a lovely time of release and letting go, a gentle energy that means I can now sleep!!  It was a powerful moon and I would encourage you to read all about it - there is a link through the "Beinspired Yoga" facebook page.  Really fascinating for me as I can see so clearly how many people's lives are in tune with the moon's energy, which means we all have quite an exciting few months ahead to the end of the year.  Change really is happening, on quite a deep level too.

As the full moon wanes, so too am I!  With 4 weeks to go until the bean is due I am intending to start calming down my responsibilities so that I can retreat a little before our life truly changes. The nursery is almost ready, I spent much of this week putting together furniture and shifting things, not sure my back appreciated it, we even have a baby friendly car now, it is all coming together!  The bean is really rather active, but then so was I in utero and actually not much has changed, so I am preparing myself for many energetic years ahead!  We shall see.  It is difficult to now how it will be, one just go with the flow.  We are both longing to take flight and hope the bean is a traveller too, Nepal is calling more than ever, but one has to be realistic about travelling to Asia with a little bean in tow.

Here in Guernsey we managed a few dips in the sea the last few days, gosh it is warmer than one expects, lovely high tides at Petit Bot, no one else around, nude changing, just love the sense of freedom.  Car cleaning, nesting in the house, autumn tidying, and making space for the new to come in.  So let us see what this week brings in the aftermouth of the Aries full moon, all rather exciting.

With love and much gratitude.

xx

Commitment to the spiritual practice

While reading Jack Kornfield's book, "A Path with Heart", I came across this wonderful paragraph that resonated immediately with me for it is not only something I have experienced for myself but something I witness repeatedly in the Yoga teaching world:

"Spiritual work requires sustained practice and commitment to look very deeply into ourselves and the world around us to discover what has created human suffering and what will free us from any manner of conflict. We must look at ourselves over and over again in order to learn to love, to discover what has kept our hearts closed, and what it means to allow our hearts to open. If we do a little of one kind of practice and a little of another, the work we have done in one often doesn't continue to build as we change to the next. It is as if we were to dig many shallow wells instead of one deep one. In continually moving from one approach to another, we are never forced to face our own boredom, impatience, and fears. We are never brought face to face with ourselves. So we need to choose a way of practice that is deep and ancient and connected with our hearts, and then make a commitment to follow it as long as it takes to transform ourselves".

It is something I have touched on before, this need for commitment to one way, to sit and deal with the pain, rather than flitting around from one way to another way, to another way, to another way, seeking happiness but never really getting to the depth of the matter so that transformation on that deeper level never really takes place and happiness is still this concept of being out there, if only we could find the right therapist, right Yoga class, right holistic treatment, right diet, you know all those things that we chop and change so easily.

Diet is a huge one.  I have lost count of the number of times I hear people changing their diets, that this new diet is definitely the one for them, they lose a little bit of weight and then their ingrained habits start coming back again and their weight is back to where it was, or perhaps it a little heavier, and there is confusion about what they should be eating because nothing seems to work, and perhaps there is actually something wrong with them and with that depression sinks in, as one judges oneself for lack of willpower, lack of ability to stick to something, you know, that internal narrative that never ends.

At the end of the day we need to go deeper.  We need to address our core beliefs in terms of our relationship to food.  We need to understand the reason we make the food choices we do and be mindful, therefore, in doing so.  Of course yoga helps this process enormously, not only by helping us to be more in touch with ourselves, but encouraging mindfulness and also helping to transform and heal the core beliefs so that we become that little more conscious of the choices we are making the reason for those choices.

But it can be tough.  On a deeper level, beyond the physical practice itself, yoga encourages us to face ourselves truthfully, and sometimes that hurts.  We don't always want to be reminded of who we really are.  But essentially it is only by doing so that we can make long term changes and step a little closer to that concept of happiness.  Inner happiness of course.  Let us not forget that it is ALL about what is going on, on the inside.  If you feel centred, whole, complete and happy on the inside then the chances are, your life (and experience of life) will be reflective of this on the outside too.

It is only by committing that we can ever hope to make the long lasting change that we may seek.  Be that commitment to one diet, to one therapist, to one treatment, or simply to a regular yoga practice.  And more often than not, that is where the issue lies, in committing in the first place for there are a zillion reasons to not do so - we are tired, busy, too much going on, need to do this or that to ourselves before we can begin.  Of course this is all rubbish.  Like anything in life it is about taking that first step and just getting on with it...and remembering to laugh, let us not forget that, it is after all a path with a heart:-)

And on that note I am going to take myself to the beach for a morning wake up swim in the sea before getting on my mat, sitting, and practicing being still for a little bit!!

With much love and gratitude.

x

A weekend of relative creativity

Busy, busy, busy. Well that is how the last few days have been!  I am hoping for a more restful week ahead, balancing the yin and yang!

I guess the nesting instinct has kicked in.  This weekend found us finally getting around to putting some flower boxes together to brighten the front of the cottage.  I am very drawn to red at the moment, Autumnal colour of course and no doubt there is some grounding attraction in there too.  Funny how we do get drawn to particular colours at particular time sin our lives.

Before I discovered Yoga, when I was a lost soul, I used to wear black all the time, covering myself up, disappearing into the background.  That was one of the most significant shifts for me, especially with all the Reiki training and its heart opening nature - let alone the Yoga - that all of a sudden black did not feel right anymore and finally colour came into my life again.

In those earlier Reiki days pink was the focus, no surprise really, given that it is the colour of the heart, I just couldn't wear enough of the stuff.  Then there was the purple stage when I guess my third eye was opening again.  And then blue, lots and lots of blue, communication, before a brief spell with green, more healing, and white when I was feeling virtuous and pure, the world was full of angels, no coincidence perhaps that I had spent 40 days undertaking a kundalini-led meditation practice, then back to blue, and very occasionally the odd red spell when I needed some grounding.  Now I just love colour, all colours, except black that is, you an tell a lot about someone who predominantly wears black all the time.

Anyhow our cottage is now decorated with red and violet, which was so simple really to put together, yet so pretty.  I just have to remember to water them...

I made a cheesecake too this weekend for a Christening party. My friend, Laura, had made the cheesecake a week earlier and had left us some to try.  My gosh it was divine albeit incredibly rich and it was only when I got the recipe I realised the reason or that.  For someone who is insensitive to dairy it is not ideal, in fact I did wake up the next morning struggling to breathe, but ideal with all that calcium when you are growing a baby!  We shall overlook the sugar and chocolate of course, although these do have emotional benefits as I am sure others know!

It is so simple to make, even for me, that I am going to share the recipe with you here:

Fudge cheesecake

6oz/175g choc digestive biscuits
1.5oz/40g butter

Crush biscuits and melt butter.  Mix. Press into tin.

10oz/300g Bournville chocolate
7oz/200g cream cheese
8oz/250g quark (or ricotta)
150ml/1/4pt double cream
3oz/75g icing sugar

Melt 275g/9oz chocolate. Beat cream cheese with quark.  Beat in chocolate, cream, icing sugar.  Turn into tin, chill.

To decorate melt remaining 1oz/25g chocolate and drizzle over cheesecake.

Enjoy! xx

We managed a swim in the sea this weekend too, beautiful high tide at Vazon yesterday morning, certainly sets you up for the rest of the day.  I am watering the folks' greenhouse at the moment too, it is such a soothing environment to spend time and I am in awe at the cucumbers, tomatoes and figs that grow between my visits.  The freezer is now well stocked with tomato sauce for the winter months ahead and the butternut squash are ripening and ever so tasty - I do love butternut squash season.

Here we had the new moon on Saturday, what a relief, I don't know about anyone else but I felt the power of is this time around, usually I don't notice it so much, but there was certainly something going on out there and in me too!!

Anyhow a lovely sunny day awaits and time to go practice being quiet and still!

With love and gratitude.

xx

Did I love well?

October already!  Quite crazy how quickly time is now flying by and still I am wearing my flip flops, what wonderful warm autumnal weather we have had recently, long may it continue.  Not sure if that means we will have a really cold winter, regardless it is lovely to have an extended summer, so to speak.  Mind you the nights are drawing in and the lights are definitely needed during Yoga in the evenings.

I am 33 weeks pregnant tomorrow, in theory another 7 weeks to go.  I never really understood this until being pregnant, that you are actually, per the medical way of thinking, 40 weeks pregnant when you reach full term, which equates to 10 months rather than 9.  Even then there is no guarantee you will birth at 40 weeks and more often than not women go over the 40 weeks, after all we are all different.

This is one of the reason's I personally feel it is important not to get too attached to the due date.  After all the baby will come when it is ready (as I understand it, when the lungs are fully formed and ready to breathe in the outside world, a hormone is released that triggers labour) and being told that you are due on a certain date and then finding you have to keep going can be challenging, mentally and emotionally as much as anything else. 

Anyhow 33 weeks and my tummy is challenged with all the stretching it needs to do to allow for the amazing growth that is currently taking place.  The baby is still creating quite a bit of movement but he/she has less room so it is not as intense as it used to be.  Reassuring all the same however.  You start to notice patterns too, and if these continue when he/she is delivered then 10pm is going to be an active part of the evening for us, let alone the 4am shuffle!!

I am noticing that it is more of a struggle to get my leg forward on my Yoga mat now, inevitable really, but still so wonderful to be teaching, not least because I forget about everything else for a few hours, but my body gets to move and with that the back ache dissipates.  needless to say the back ache is worst when I am at my desk at work and gives me a good excuse to go and lull around in the swimming pool or bath each day!!

It is quite incredible the changes that go on in a woman's body during the course of pregnancy.  I doubt my body will ever be quite the same again!  Still I do love it, and will no doubt miss the bump when the baby is delivered, but at the same time I am quite keen to meet him/her and introduce him/her to this marvellous world we live in and learn all I can from this brand new being, who has taught me so much already.  It is true that our practice is right here in front of us, pregnancy has certainly proved that to me.

In fact they say that pregnancy throws up all sorts of things, so that stuff you have gone through previously and you thought has been done and dusted, healed then, comes right back at you again, so old scars start itching, old allergies re-appear, I can certainly vouch for that one, I think I spent a month just sneezing, and old emotional stuff too, and again I can vouch for that one, I thought the anger has dissipated a long time ago but no, there is was, the odd anger bout again!  Of course you can blame the hormones but it does feel as if a deeper healing is taking place, aligning yourself with your self in preparation for the new beginnings, open heart, ready to love unconditionally in a way you never thought possible...or so I am led to believe...

There has been a lot of reflection too, about life, how it has been, the journey we have found our self taking, and of course some thought to the future, which isn't all together very healthy as this is so unknown, and with the unknown often comes fear.  So it is perhaps good timing to find myself reading another book by the inspiring jack Kornfield.  There is a chapter called "Did I love well?" and in that a very interesting few paragraphs that we could all do with reading, because this is surely what it is all about, the rest, well the rest is just what happens along the path...

"In undertaking a spiritual life, what matters is simple: We must make certain that our path is connected with our heart...In the end spiritual life is not a process of seeking or gaining some extraordinary condition or special powers.  In fact such seeking can take us away from ourselves.  If we are not careful, we can easily find the great failures of our modern society - its ambitions, materialism, and individual isolation - repeated in our spiritual life. 

In beginning a  genuine spiritual journey, we have to stay much closer to home, to focus directly on what is right here in front of us, to make sure that our path is connected with our deepest love...

When we ask, "Am I following a path with heart?" we discover that no one can define for us exactly what our path should be.  Instead, we must allow the mystery and beauty of this question to resonate within our being.  Then somewhere within us an answer will come and understanding will arise.  If we are still and listen deeply, even for a moment, we will know if we are following a path with heart.

It is possible to speak with our heart directly.  Most ancient cultures know this.  We can actually converse with our heart as if it were a good friend.  In modern life we have become so busy with our daily affairs and thoughts that we have forgotten this essential art of taking time to converse with our heart.  When we ask it about our current path, we must look at the values we have chosen to live by.  Where do we put our time, our strength, our creativity, our love?  We must look at our life without sentimentality, exaggeration, or idealism.  Does what we are choosing reflect what we most deeply value?".

And on that note I shall leave us to reflect as I take to my mat and enjoy the background sound of the rain cleansing the earth as we step one day closer to the new moon on Saturday.

With gratitude,

x