Being true

Sleep deprivation has taken its toll.  Fifteen months now without a whole night of sleep, without sleeping in fact for more than 4 hours between wakes.

It feels relentless at times, more so with the relentless nature of life in the office at the moment.

I have noticed how it affects my ability to think, how my memory is definitely not what it used to be, how more impatient I have become with certain things, how I react more quickly when things do not seem to be going my way and how my mood is not always as uplifted as it can be - essentially I am aware how much more stressed I am.  It is interesting, because this is the very reason I started yoga in the first place and so it is quite strange to find myself back here.

But life is a series of cycles so that we do see/feel the same things again, although I always believe we gain more awareness each time until we make the changes and begin to create new cycles of being instead.

It is all about being honest with ourselves, which is so very easy to say and not so easy to do.  It reminds me a little of something my Reiki Master said to me shortly after I began Beinspired and was trying to find my way.  She urged me to be authentic and at the time I thought I was being.

But I wasn't really I see that now.  I was trying to be how I thought I should be as a yoga teacher, so that I kept various aspects of myself hidden, even from myself.  I was ever so hard on myself, setting very high standards to try to be the person I felt I should be as a spiritually minded yoga teacher.

This meant that I felt I had to look the part so that I strictly controlled my diet and added fuel (as I later realised) to an earlier eating disorder (not healthy at all and a common trap for yoga practitioners who enjoy the fact that yoga gives them an excuse to embrace eating disorders).  I lived a very controlled life so that I shut myself away from friends and a social life (for fear of losing control) and tried to live the life I felt I should live to be more spiritual and pure, that actually made me feel very lonely and sad, rather than connected and whole.  I certainly wasn't happy on the inside, even if others thought I was from the outside.

I believe this all comes down to the mind being a powerful thing and believing we, our lives then, have to be a particular way to be something, whatever that may be. Not only that, but also how we so easily stick to the comfort in our lives, to the way things are, even if we have outgrown them. And this ties in rather nicely with this whole idea of being true to ourselves.  Being authentic thing.  Being honest.  Only that we are often so caught in our zone, routine, comfort zone, our own denial then, that we have no idea.  We don't really see what is getting under our skin, what is draining our life force and what is making our spirit sink.

Until one day something shifts, or gives, or whatever it may be, so that we realise that perhaps, just perhaps we are not being true, or real or authentic in our way of being, living, thinking. And I guess that is when the change occurs, when the cycle begins to take a new shape, as we find ourselves and our way again.

So for me now, the sleeplessness is relentless and exhausting.  But so too the life that I live, the way in which I live, with all its toing and froing and studying and working and doing and running and rushing and simply not enough pottering and being.  So it is therefore no surprise to find myself here again.

And with this a realisation that being authentic really is about being true to the self, acknowledging when things need to change and having the courage to make those changes so that the energy flows, the spirit lifts and life seems filled with more "being" again.

Hoorah therefore for the Aquarius new super moon which takes place late on Wednesday evening. This new moon is certainly making me feel a little wobbly and I shall very much look forward to it waxing and us springing forward again.  Have a read here for more on what is in store! http://us4.campaign-archive1.com/?u=bf3182281c10722c7eea99902&id=981d30f481&e=eae0fe6be6

Be true. Be happy (as someone I met only hours earlier told me on Saturday)

With love and gratitude.

xx

The world needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind

In the mindfulness course we are encouraged to really check in with the feeling sensations within our body as we move throughout our day, to get out of our mind, into the body and into the here and now, the present moment.

I didn't have any problem with that today.  I was consumed by an overwhelming sense of sadness that made my heart feel heavy and a sickening and sinking feeling right in the pit of my tummy.  This whole barbaric terrorism malarkey (for want of a better word) has indeed saddened and sickened me to the core of my being. What kind of world are we living in where we feel justified in inflicting so much physical, mental and emotional pain, turmoil and torture on others. 

How is it that so many of us are finding greater lightness in life and being and others just fall further into the darkness from olden times.  How can our experience of life be so different when we are all of the same heart and soul.

Probably a good time for me really to come find the following reading in my line of vision twice this week and providing much comfort to me today as I try to feel more hopeful and less hopeless about the state of this world in which we live and the way we treat others.  For where there is light goodness will come, and perhaps like everything we have to see more darkness, before we are able to see more lightness shine. 

“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.” David W Orr.

A friend commented as Gandhi once said, that we need to be the change we want to see in the world.  So true indeed, but so challenging, because we really need to bear witness to ourselves, be mindful then, catch ourselves before we get angry with people on the roads, or feel affronted because someone pushed in a queue in front of you, or got annoyed because someone misunderstood you, or get short tempered because your partner didn't listen to you properly, or shouted at your child for ignoring you. This mindfulness course is making me aware of these interactions and reactions in my own life and teaching me to try to breathe consciously in that moment and catch myself before reacting...

So yes, we do need to be that change, little steps, towards a peaceful world one day, and it is true, it does begin with us. So let us all try and live consciously, let us unite in the light, let us practice yoga, meditate, pray, chant and do what we can to try to increase the vibration of this beautiful world and let us try to live as we would like the whole world to live,  with kindness, love and respect for one another from our whole beings - body, mind and soul.

Om shanti, shanti, shanti.

The journey: gratitude

For some time now I have been meaning to write a little about the concept of gratitude.  I was reminded while reading someone else's blog last week and then I keep catching a glimpse of my gratitude card so clearly I am meant to share.

You see the thing is, before I found yoga and reiki I believe I was very asleep for I had absolutely no concept of gratitude, or the power in words and thoughts and intention.  It was probably because I was a little bit too depressed to really believe I had any reason to feel any gratitude for anything. Which makes me feel a bit sad now, because isn't that the nature of depression, it makes us so dark to the world that we can see no beauty in even a flower.

Fortunately yoga and Reiki brought with them an awakening, I truly feel that I woke from a very dark slumber, so that all these words like 'gratitude' and 'blessings' and' joy' and 'beautiful' came into my world again and all of a sudden I was truly gracious for the changes that took place in my life and for the beauty of the journey that brought me to this moment with all its challenges and tribulations, yet all its awakenings, love, peace and freedom too.

I was given a card at the end of a shadow yoga class I happened upon at a healing centre in Byron Bay which said, "Gratitude turns what I have into enough and more".  This card sits in my yoga room and catches my eye regularly so that it has become a little like an affirmation.  Each day after my practice I pray and express gratitude, give thanks then, to the Divine for all the beauty in life.  Even on the dark days where the beauty is more challenging to find, for there is much to be thankful for in our lives.

And it has helped, expressing gratitude. It helps to keep you awake, trying to see the bigger picture.  It gives you perspective then.  And it is true that gratitude does indeed turn what you have into enough and more.  You only have to reflect on all those suffering in this world. We have enough.  Deep inside, we all have enough.  But some have more than others.  And here in the West, here in Guernsey, well really we are very blessed.

Recently this pome has come into my life three times, which means I am meant to take notice.  Anything that comes into your life three times is said to have come in for a reason, it is meant to catch your attention, there is a message in there somewhere.  I would like to share the poem with you, the fact you are reading this, especially if you have stumbled on this post, means something brought you here, so read carefully and see how it makes you feel:

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save".

Keep well.

With gratitude

xx

Mindfulness, the beginning...

I started an 8 week mindfulness course this week, which has already made me very aware that my life is far too busy!

But then it has been one of those weeks.  Elijah has been suffering jet lag so that I was up with him until 12.30am, 1.30am, 2.30am, 12am, four nights/mornings on the run.  Work was manically busy as I have 3 weeks of work to catch up on.  Plus I was out every evening. 

So trying to squeeze in 45 minutes mindfulness meditation (well body scan this week) was a touch testing.  Which made me laugh a little because here I am trying to reduce my stress, release negative tendencies etc. through the mindfulness course and yet here I was feeling more stressed and more negative as a result of not having enough time to be mindful.  Ah the joys of modern living!

Still this weekend has provided a much needed time out from the hectic pace of the last week, Elijah has been in bed by 8.30pm, I have managed to enjoy two very quick swims in the sea at Petit Bot and catch up on all the paperwork/study/washing.  Oh yes because did I mention that I thought it a good time to advance my yoga studies by undertaking an advanced yoga teacher training course.

So you see that brings me back to the fact that I am very aware that I am doing too much.  And as we all know, it should be less about the doing and more about the being! In fact I came across this beautiful extract from David Frawley in his book I was reading recently, which reads...

"Real yoga is about non-doing. Much of our unhappiness, and even disease, arises from the fact that we are already doing too much. We have no time, not even for ourselves, much less for our loved ones. We are constantly on the go and yet never seem to arrive at any place where we want to stay for very long. Yoga is about doing less and being more present wherever we are and with whatever we need to do. Yoga is not simply something new but a better way of using the faculties ...and resources we already have. Yoga asanas are about moving the body more slowly, ultimately bringing it into stillness. Yogic meditation is about slowing down the mind and creating deep calm and unwavering inner peace that does not require any outer entertainment. A yogic lifestyle is about not bringing any harm or interference into the lives of others. Yoga is not as much a new achievement s a means of letting go and relaxing into the infinite. Yoga philosophy is a philosophy of being. You are all that you need to be. But to discover that, you must move aide the veils of the body, mind and sense and uncover the essence of your being" (David Frawley, "Yoga: The Greater Tradition).

So herewith the challenge.  To slow down.  To be more than to do.  Which of course was the joy of our recent travels, because away from the hum drum of daily life, it is often so much easier to be.  So perhaps the challenge therefore is to incorporate a little more of this into life here in Guernsey. We started that yesterday actually with a walk out in St Peter's, a parish we rarely visit, and we saw the gorgeous Guernsey goats and discovered that there are only 1,000 of these in the world.  We ended up at Forest Stores buying some of their cheese, and it felt good to be supporting the local goats and doing something different!

It is funny though isn't it, how having a child changes your entire perception of life.  For actually they do offer the opportunity for being and for being mindful and aware of the moment as you sit playing with them or washing them, or cleaning up after them, plus going to see goats etc, which we would not have done previously.  But it also means that you are juggling even more balls than you may have been juggling previously, especially if you are working and trying to further yourself and develop other aspects of your being.  But like everything it is a balance, figuring out the important bits and prioritising accordingly.

I as very aware of this when we were in Canada, in so much as I was very lucky that Ewan was happy to loo after Elijah while I went to yoga classes.  I managed to get to a lot of yoga classes, but I did feel ever so slightly guilty about taking the time out for myself and yet was very aware that in taking the time for myself I was perhaps a bit of a better humoured mother and partner.  And this was a healthy realisation as it has made me even more aware how much this time at yoga is sacred for so many of the students, and how grateful I am that they have prioritised that time in their life.

So on that note, I am going to take myself to my mat and make the most of some child-free time to practice, and body scan, and just be, what bliss, me, may mat, some candles and quite space.  How the soul feels very happy about this!!

With love x

Apple and cinnamon flapjacks

These are yummy and pretty good for you too.

Oats contain a soluble fibre that has been clinically proven to lower cholesterol in the digestive tract, the high fibre content makes them an obvious choice for easing constipation and they are very rich in B vitamins which are essential for supporting the body during stressful times.  They support adrenal gland function and nervous system activity and are essential for energy production at a cellular level.

Ingredients (makes 6-10 squares)
2 tablespoons coconut oil plus extra for greasing
2 apples
2 tablespoons honey
180g porridge oats
1 or 2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 tablespoon dried cranberries (optional)
2 tablespoon mixed pumpkin seeds (optional)

How to make

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius and grease a 20cm square baking tin with coconut oil.

Cut the apples into quarters, remove the seeds, then place them, unpeeled, in a food processor;
Process to a coarse purée, adding a splash of water if necessary.

Melt the coconut oil and honey together in a pan over a medium-high heat. Once the oil and honey have combined, stir in the apple purée and stir thoroughly to form a sticky mixture.

Transfer the mixture to the prepared tin, pressing down well, and bake for around 20 minutes or until the top is golden brown. Allow to cool completely before cutting into squares.

Enjoy!!

Om

Of the many sacred syllables in Hinduism which resonate with different properties of the cosmos, OM is the most scared.  It is considered to be the primordial sound of the cosmos itself, intoned when the universe was created. OM sonically represents Brahman, the ineffable Supreme Reality, and thus naturally sanctifying. For this reason it is intoned at the beginning of every mantra or prayer. It is also considered a condensed version of all scared writings. It is sometimes written AUM and pronounced "ah-oo-mm" but the meaning is the same.

Love

For one human being to love another human being : that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation" (Rainer Maria Rilke)

Our enlightening trip to Canada

We have just been on the most amazing trip to Canada - a journey within a journey.  I feel like I am returning home a different person, probably the result of 12 yoga classes, a lot of time in nature and surrounded by trees and the wonderful people I have met and experiences experienced over the last few weeks.

I love travelling and I have missed travelling the last year, not that we haven't travelled, but more so that we haven't travelled outside of Europe and there is much joy in slightly longer haul travelling (not in the travel itself per se, especially with children) but in different cultures in different parts of the world.

Vancouver was great, the perfect tempo to transition from the craziness of life on Guernsey to the slower pace of Vancouver Island and our life as we calmed down without work and home responsibilities - very liberating!  Ewan was a star and I managed 4 yoga classes at the amazing Y-Yoga studio downtown Vancouver - I had studio envy most definitely.

Vancouver Island is fabulous especially as one of my best friend's lives there, Sami.  Sami was actually one of my first yoga students all those years ago now, almost 9 (where did that time go and how much our lives have changed in that time) and helped spread the word because yoga helped her so much in her life, which found her changing her life and leaving her settled life in Guernsey for life in Vancouver Island, a place that had captured her heart many years before. 

It all worked out well and she is married to Derek and they have two beautiful children, Rosie and Elliott. They have a fabulous property surrounded by trees and looking towards the mountains in the distance and Sami's parents (who also emigrated from Guernsey) living below them so that they have family and help on hand.

We had a fabulous time staying with the Haynes, and hour and a half from the mainland the Island is beautiful despite the fog, which meant we didn't get to see the views!  Still we had lovely friend and family time and we braved walks in the rain and I was able to get to a lovely yoga class at a studio I visited a few years now. This was most definitely studio envy time, I loved it with all the plants and the wooden vibe, bliss!

From Vancouver Island we took another ferry, only 35 minutes now, to Salt Spring island.  Wow.  I could move there.  Amazing place, just LOVED it.  The Island is about 3 times larger than Guernsey but has only 10,500 people (in the winter).  It is absolutely full to the brim with trees and a fabulous alternative vibe.  People assumed we were locals, fitting in rather well as a tree surgeon/gardener and a yoga teacher.

I managed 3 yoga classes with a lovely Swiss guy who has his own studio over there, it was a little bit too yang for me (and still no inversions, absolutely no inversions in class the whole time and very few forward bends, interesting for me, suspect it may be the safety issues and liability...) but I was grateful to Ewan for the opportunity to practice and feel cleaner, more energised, clearer, stronger (the list is endless) etc etc in the process.

We walked trails (with fabulous fairy and elf doors), we swam, we visited the sites, we enjoyed organic and fresh foods, we laughed, we stayed in a log cabin in the woods, we played table tennis, we tried to take Elijah out on a Canadian canoe on he lake (he didn't like the life jacket) and we watched a lot of the BBC world news reporting on the massacre in Paris...talk about the news becoming reality TV, and the darkness of the world.

We didn't want to leave...

But alas the next stop was pretty good going, back to Vancouver Island, meet with the Haynes family and another ferry back to the mainland and from there a couple of hours drive up to Whistler and the mountains.

Amazing again. I love mountains.  And while I did indeed love these mountains I am afraid that I struggle to get as blow away - awe inspired - as I do in Nepal, I have indeed been spoilt with fishtail let alone seeing the sun rise over Everest (even if I was half dying with altitude sickness!).  But we loved our time in Whistler.

Sami and I went skiing one day which was terrifying.  I have only skied for half a day previously and after a turn on the nursery slopes we decided that I would be okay on the green run.  Big mistake.  The whole "feel the fear and do it anyway" did not really work for me.  I try to overcome fear but this fear was all consuming...I honestly was not quite sure how I was going to get down the mountain because skiing down it appeared impossible, arghh!! 

I did make it down, just.  After some time for contemplation and a good talking to and falling a few times.  Back to the nursery slopes for a good hour or so and then back up and down an easier green route...still incredibly scary so I had a few heart in mouth moments and a little bit of annoyance that it was all such hard work and frustration at not taking lessons and knowing what to do...

But I did feel great later that evening, all that fresh air and snow and sun and breathing and trees and mountain energy.

We went snow shoeing one day and I stood on a frozen lake for the first time.  I also got to go to a couple of yoga classes, lucky me, the classes were super busy too, I was impressed with the commitment, ideal though for a stretch after a day on the slopes.

We had an afternoon in Vancouver before our flight home and I managed yet another yoga class which was amazing, the teacher was really good, I learned lots from the session .  We also chanced upon a café with the most amazing soy chai and the Banyan bookshop which is full of all things I love - crystals, angel cards, yoga stuff, incense, candles, spiritual books, music, singing bowls.  We went to the botanical gardens at the University of British Columbia, which are incredible and made Ewan very happy with all its giant red woods (western red cedars).

Back in the UK and we have a few days in Brighton with our friend Charles, which is a good transition before home.  There are some fabulous independent cafes here with the vegan/vegetarian/fresh/organic options that we have gotten quite used to having in Canada...and I managed my final yoga class before home, Bikram, not my favourite, incredibly hot and hard work but makes you feel amazing afterwards.

So all in all this has been an amazing trip and I most definitely feel a different person now to the one I was when we left 3 weeks ago now.  I have thoroughly loved and indeed relished the opportunity to spend all this time with Ewan and Elijah, it will feel so strange going to work without them!!!

I came across some marvellous quotes on my travels, one that sticks with me is this one...

"The central epiphany in every religious belief occurs in the wilderness. Buddha had to go to the wilderness to experience self realization. Mohammed had to go to the wilderness to have his central realization. Moses went into the wilderness for days to experience his divinity for the first time. The wilderness has always played a critical role. It's where human beings most easily sense the divine". (Robert F. Kennedy JR)."

I have to say that sending time in the wilderness has helped me to heal and provide clarity, to strengthen and release...happy times...very grateful and delighted we took the plunge and stepped beyond the fear of 9 hours on a flight with Elijah. And grateful to Ewan that he was happy to look after Elijah (and eat pastries) while I went to yoga.  I believe we both feel lighter for the experience.

Happy times!!

xxx

Happy new year

What an incredible way to begin the New Year than by being here in Vancouver. I just love this city and am delighted to be able to share it with Ewan and Elijah.

Our New Year began early, the joy of a jet lagged baby! It is the first year for quite some time that I haven't stayed up to welcome in the New Year, which meant New Year's Day was brighter than most and not just due to the weather!

We began the day with a cycle ride around a rather freezing Stanley Park, amazing place, mountains in the background and all the trees, birds and sea life to entertain the eye! This was followed by an early lunch - I am slightly addicted to these marvelous gluten free crackers called "Mary's crackers", yum, yum, and all the rather tasty salads from the wonderful Wholefoods. I would just love one of these shops back home, although it would certainly challenge the budget. Still, all a novelty, and indeed holiday treat over here!

After lunch we joined the owners of the apartment where we are staying, Jackie and Mick, for the annual Vancouver New Year's Day Polar Swim. In its 95th year it attracts about 4,000 people every year and this was an especially busy year due to glorious sunshine, albeit an air temperature of 2 degrees!

I have never experienced such crowds and indeed madness! We wore our bathers and dressing twin yo the beach as suggested by Jackie and Mick, which seemed a little crazy to us initially but when we got to the beach we realized this made perfect sense as there is nowhere to lay down clothes and towels as there is just so many people! In fact you just had to head for the general direction of the sea, and that was crazy too, as most people run in and then run out again! I managed 7 strokes, it didn't feel as cold as the predicted 6 degrees. In face we ended up going in twice it was that much fun!

It was a fab experience, Christmas Day Polar Bear swim in the Atlantic back home and then New a Year Day a Polar Bear swim in the Pacific, where next?!

I warmed up with a very busy Warm flow yoga class at the downtown Y Yoga studio, I do love being able to begin the year indulging in my greatest love - practicing yoga with like minded students, bliss!! We ended the say with a glass of bubbles, a perfect end to a lovely day. I felt very blessed.

Since then we have walked and walked and walked, I have been to more yoga classes and felt cleaner do clearer as a result. 2014 was manic for me and I lost my grounding a little towards the end of the year with the manic ness of life on Guernsey and the craziness of the corporate world where I work part time - essentially we set up a company at the end of 2013' just before I gave birth to a Elijah, and it sold for gbp39m in December 2014...that is quite some return in one year, and a whole lot of hard work for all involved.

So it is already so liberating to just be, without the pressure of work and it's materialism to come back to roots somehow,  to remember what it us all about...and being on one's mat, with other like minded souls facilitates that - you start to hear the gentle whispering a of the heart again. So too traveling and being elsewhere new, where the world becomes full of possibilities again and you can feel the energy working its way through - where coincidence and synchronicity seems prevalent again, this I live. A journey within a journey, of course all part of the journey. A journey of the heart. This I love. A Life full of heart I love.

We are now on Vancouver Island with dear friends...blessed indeed.

Happy new year to one and all, I hope it us filled with much love and peAce.

Xxx