Being true

Sleep deprivation has taken its toll.  Fifteen months now without a whole night of sleep, without sleeping in fact for more than 4 hours between wakes.

It feels relentless at times, more so with the relentless nature of life in the office at the moment.

I have noticed how it affects my ability to think, how my memory is definitely not what it used to be, how more impatient I have become with certain things, how I react more quickly when things do not seem to be going my way and how my mood is not always as uplifted as it can be - essentially I am aware how much more stressed I am.  It is interesting, because this is the very reason I started yoga in the first place and so it is quite strange to find myself back here.

But life is a series of cycles so that we do see/feel the same things again, although I always believe we gain more awareness each time until we make the changes and begin to create new cycles of being instead.

It is all about being honest with ourselves, which is so very easy to say and not so easy to do.  It reminds me a little of something my Reiki Master said to me shortly after I began Beinspired and was trying to find my way.  She urged me to be authentic and at the time I thought I was being.

But I wasn't really I see that now.  I was trying to be how I thought I should be as a yoga teacher, so that I kept various aspects of myself hidden, even from myself.  I was ever so hard on myself, setting very high standards to try to be the person I felt I should be as a spiritually minded yoga teacher.

This meant that I felt I had to look the part so that I strictly controlled my diet and added fuel (as I later realised) to an earlier eating disorder (not healthy at all and a common trap for yoga practitioners who enjoy the fact that yoga gives them an excuse to embrace eating disorders).  I lived a very controlled life so that I shut myself away from friends and a social life (for fear of losing control) and tried to live the life I felt I should live to be more spiritual and pure, that actually made me feel very lonely and sad, rather than connected and whole.  I certainly wasn't happy on the inside, even if others thought I was from the outside.

I believe this all comes down to the mind being a powerful thing and believing we, our lives then, have to be a particular way to be something, whatever that may be. Not only that, but also how we so easily stick to the comfort in our lives, to the way things are, even if we have outgrown them. And this ties in rather nicely with this whole idea of being true to ourselves.  Being authentic thing.  Being honest.  Only that we are often so caught in our zone, routine, comfort zone, our own denial then, that we have no idea.  We don't really see what is getting under our skin, what is draining our life force and what is making our spirit sink.

Until one day something shifts, or gives, or whatever it may be, so that we realise that perhaps, just perhaps we are not being true, or real or authentic in our way of being, living, thinking. And I guess that is when the change occurs, when the cycle begins to take a new shape, as we find ourselves and our way again.

So for me now, the sleeplessness is relentless and exhausting.  But so too the life that I live, the way in which I live, with all its toing and froing and studying and working and doing and running and rushing and simply not enough pottering and being.  So it is therefore no surprise to find myself here again.

And with this a realisation that being authentic really is about being true to the self, acknowledging when things need to change and having the courage to make those changes so that the energy flows, the spirit lifts and life seems filled with more "being" again.

Hoorah therefore for the Aquarius new super moon which takes place late on Wednesday evening. This new moon is certainly making me feel a little wobbly and I shall very much look forward to it waxing and us springing forward again.  Have a read here for more on what is in store! http://us4.campaign-archive1.com/?u=bf3182281c10722c7eea99902&id=981d30f481&e=eae0fe6be6

Be true. Be happy (as someone I met only hours earlier told me on Saturday)

With love and gratitude.

xx

The world needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind

In the mindfulness course we are encouraged to really check in with the feeling sensations within our body as we move throughout our day, to get out of our mind, into the body and into the here and now, the present moment.

I didn't have any problem with that today.  I was consumed by an overwhelming sense of sadness that made my heart feel heavy and a sickening and sinking feeling right in the pit of my tummy.  This whole barbaric terrorism malarkey (for want of a better word) has indeed saddened and sickened me to the core of my being. What kind of world are we living in where we feel justified in inflicting so much physical, mental and emotional pain, turmoil and torture on others. 

How is it that so many of us are finding greater lightness in life and being and others just fall further into the darkness from olden times.  How can our experience of life be so different when we are all of the same heart and soul.

Probably a good time for me really to come find the following reading in my line of vision twice this week and providing much comfort to me today as I try to feel more hopeful and less hopeless about the state of this world in which we live and the way we treat others.  For where there is light goodness will come, and perhaps like everything we have to see more darkness, before we are able to see more lightness shine. 

“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.” David W Orr.

A friend commented as Gandhi once said, that we need to be the change we want to see in the world.  So true indeed, but so challenging, because we really need to bear witness to ourselves, be mindful then, catch ourselves before we get angry with people on the roads, or feel affronted because someone pushed in a queue in front of you, or got annoyed because someone misunderstood you, or get short tempered because your partner didn't listen to you properly, or shouted at your child for ignoring you. This mindfulness course is making me aware of these interactions and reactions in my own life and teaching me to try to breathe consciously in that moment and catch myself before reacting...

So yes, we do need to be that change, little steps, towards a peaceful world one day, and it is true, it does begin with us. So let us all try and live consciously, let us unite in the light, let us practice yoga, meditate, pray, chant and do what we can to try to increase the vibration of this beautiful world and let us try to live as we would like the whole world to live,  with kindness, love and respect for one another from our whole beings - body, mind and soul.

Om shanti, shanti, shanti.

The journey: gratitude

For some time now I have been meaning to write a little about the concept of gratitude.  I was reminded while reading someone else's blog last week and then I keep catching a glimpse of my gratitude card so clearly I am meant to share.

You see the thing is, before I found yoga and reiki I believe I was very asleep for I had absolutely no concept of gratitude, or the power in words and thoughts and intention.  It was probably because I was a little bit too depressed to really believe I had any reason to feel any gratitude for anything. Which makes me feel a bit sad now, because isn't that the nature of depression, it makes us so dark to the world that we can see no beauty in even a flower.

Fortunately yoga and Reiki brought with them an awakening, I truly feel that I woke from a very dark slumber, so that all these words like 'gratitude' and 'blessings' and' joy' and 'beautiful' came into my world again and all of a sudden I was truly gracious for the changes that took place in my life and for the beauty of the journey that brought me to this moment with all its challenges and tribulations, yet all its awakenings, love, peace and freedom too.

I was given a card at the end of a shadow yoga class I happened upon at a healing centre in Byron Bay which said, "Gratitude turns what I have into enough and more".  This card sits in my yoga room and catches my eye regularly so that it has become a little like an affirmation.  Each day after my practice I pray and express gratitude, give thanks then, to the Divine for all the beauty in life.  Even on the dark days where the beauty is more challenging to find, for there is much to be thankful for in our lives.

And it has helped, expressing gratitude. It helps to keep you awake, trying to see the bigger picture.  It gives you perspective then.  And it is true that gratitude does indeed turn what you have into enough and more.  You only have to reflect on all those suffering in this world. We have enough.  Deep inside, we all have enough.  But some have more than others.  And here in the West, here in Guernsey, well really we are very blessed.

Recently this pome has come into my life three times, which means I am meant to take notice.  Anything that comes into your life three times is said to have come in for a reason, it is meant to catch your attention, there is a message in there somewhere.  I would like to share the poem with you, the fact you are reading this, especially if you have stumbled on this post, means something brought you here, so read carefully and see how it makes you feel:

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save".

Keep well.

With gratitude

xx