We found out
I was pregnant the day before the annual Yoga & Wellbeing retreat I run on
the beautiful Island of Herm. I knew I
was pregnant, I had been able to feel through my hands the energy of new life
within me from inception of the embryo.
But of course I still managed to get myself really wound up so that I
didn’t sleep the day before I did that glorious little test and saw the stick
say “pregnant” and tell me how many weeks.
Amazing isn’t it, no blue lines anymore, how things change!
It was of
course a glorious relief, although strangely I had not considered that the test
would have been anything but positive.
We had done everything asked of us by the book, so that it seemed
inevitable that we would get the positive result. Sadly this is not the case for so many
couples and I have only respect for their ability to pick themselves up and
start again.
Fertility,
or infertility then, is such an incredibly stressful experience for so
many. When you are struggling to
conceive all you can see are mothers with babies and it seems that the whole
world has somehow conspired against you. It is ever so easy to fall into the
“why me” zone of self pity, but as I was wisely advised by one of my closest
friends who had also experienced difficulties, this is the worst thing you can
do to yourself. Catch the self pity and
transform it into positive energy.
There is
this wonderful book that a very kind friend sent to me called “The Stork Club”
by Imogen Edwards-Jones, which is a really helpful read. It may make you both laugh and cry and give
you some hope if it seems rather bleak out there at the time. There are a plethora of online chat sites
where women share their experiences of the whole journey of conception,
although I did my best to avoid these as the single most important thing to me
was not to buy into any fear and these sites are full of exactly that. You have to immerse yourself in positivity,
you really do.
In any event
there we were, in Herm, finally pregnant.
I am delighted with the timing for it means the bean was immersed in the
wonderful world of Yoga and wellbeing from the beginning. I am all into the vibration of energy and
keeping that light, so that you too are light, and I guess I am interested to
see the effect that this has on the bean.
Thankfully in those early days I didn’t really feel any effects within
myself apart from the vibration of the growing embryo, to which I shall always
be thankful to Reiki for providing me with the opportunity to feel energy like
this.
This
happened again in Australia, my brother Ross and I were driving the Great Ocean
Road together and for some reason we got into an argument about something. I was driving and I got so angry with him
that I literally stopped the road in this town, got out of the car and started
stamping my feet at the side of the road because I was so fuelled with anger I
had to get rid of it from my body somehow, before bursting into tears and sat
there calming myself down, with people looking on and my brother totally
thrown. We laugh about it now.
So anyway, E
has not seen me have an anger attack, because I don’t get them anymore, I guess
I have worked out that anger through years of hip opening poses in Yoga (that
is where it literally “sits” for me), Reiki and intensive massage therapy. So it was a bit of a shock to him when we
were returning home from a visit to the shops and a packet of organic ginger
oat biscuits (bought to ease my morning sickness) fell from my arms as I was
struggling to open the front door, and I just lost it, I kicked this packet of
ginger biscuits into the house, picked them up, went into the kitchen and
proceeded to throw them around, stamp on them, absolutely destroy them, with E
not having a clue what was going on, to then feel the calmness return as I
swept up the remains of biscuits that was now littering the floor! E laughed about that with everyone for weeks
to come. Hormones!
So yes, those
early days, say week 6 to week 9 were indeed challenging for my hormones were
all over the place and I would find myself crying at the smallest things. I tend to avoid the news and violent or
distressing films/programmes anyway, but during this period I would get upset
watching the most stupid things. I was also incredibly irritable and snappy. It was confusing because Yoga had provided me
with an opportunity to mange my emotional and mental state, but here I felt I
had digressed to the person I was when I was in my twenties. It was rather disturbing because I wasn’t
sure how long this state of being would last.
We were
fortunate to have early pregnancy scans.
I say fortunate because the jury is out as to whether these may actually
harm the foetus, but we felt we had little choice, so there was no point me
researching this too much. Some times in
life ignorance is indeed bliss. In any event it was indeed rather amazing to
see this heart beat, only one heart beat as it turned out, on the screen. The bean was indeed alive and alone in there.
Those weeks
were testing. People say to you how your
life will change when you have children, but I believe your life changes the
day you decide to have children, let alone the day you give birth to them. I find it rather entertaining how people will
say with some trepidation in their voice that our lives will never be the same
again and we comment to ourselves how that is exactly the point, we want our
lives to change, so that we are not doing the same thing in ten years that we
are doing now, we want to get out of our comfort zone and take on the
responsibility of a new being in this world.
Pregnancy offers a huge
opportunity for transformation. For
while I may have attempted to continue life as I had always known it; I quickly
realised this was not going to be possible. And actually there is some joy in
that. Even my body was changing, all of a sudden I actually needed the support of bras, now that was a revelation!! Still it wasn't all fun, fun, fun and despite the fact I was essentially living a dream, I couldn't shake this depressed feeling for about a week in those early days, hormones are powerful things!!
The sickness
was a challenge, not so much morning sickness as the name has you believe, but
all day sickness, in waves too. Teaching
Yoga was actually a blessing for it distracted me from the intense nausea I was
feeling. Sadly not so sitting at a desk
in the office that was when it was at its worst. It is ironic really that the sickness tends
to be concentrated at the time in pregnancy that you can’t tell anyone, and yet
the time you really should tell people, so they may understand the reason
everything is a bit of a challenge for you!
My diet
changed. For years I have been
insensitive to dairy products but that is all I craved and strangely during
those few weeks I didn’t react to them
as I had done in the past. Salt too and
bread, I haven’t eaten bread for a long time but this has been a saviour to me. This was actually a huge lesson to me in
truly listening to the body and overriding the mentality that told me whether
foods were deemed “good” for me, or “bad”.
It wasn’t about good or bad, it was about what my body needed in that moment.
Admittedly I
did struggle with the craving for fruit flavoured mentos! I can’t remember the last time I ate sweets,
they are not something I generally consider suitable for putting in one’s
mouth, but there you go, pregnancy is a law upon itself!! In Thailand, where we were on holiday from
week 9 to 11, I just could not stomach the Thai food that was cooked for us by
the Thai ladies in the villa every day.
It was such a shame. Even to this
day the thought of sticky mango rice makes me feel incredibly sick!
Thankfully
we were able to source Western food so it was toast for breakfast, goat’s
cheese and tomato sandwiches with salted crisps for lunch, salted nuts, and
rice with vegetables in the evening. It
sounds rather healthy now I see it in black and white but at the time it felt
anything but that as it was such a shift in my diet and especially as I was
generally chain drinking fizzy lime drinks and ginger ale with tons of ice
throughout the day!
Back home in
the UK, we were in Euston station awaiting
a train across to North Wales and I couldn’t decide which sandwich to buy. The fact I was even buying a sandwich was a
big deal to me and I kept going from one sandwich shop to the other looking at
what was on offer. Essentially all I
wanted was the roast beef sandwich, which of course is a little strange for a
vegetarian! This desire for meat carried on for a few weeks (which bemused E no
end) so I tried to increase my iron consumption in other ways!
Talking to
my friends and other ladies with children, this craving thing is very common
and it amuses me what ladies are drawn to eat.
It seems that dairy products are a commonality, hardly surprising when
you consider the fact you need that extra calcium for the baby to grow bones
etc. I did notice that during the time the
bones are calcifying, was the time I particularly craved the dairy products,
which fascinated me no end. I can’t
account for the desire for “junk” food at a time when the baby is forming
organs and all sorts of sensitivities, but assume there is some reason to it –
I have been assured that the baby takes the nutrients it needs from you first,
so I guess it is ultimately you that suffers in the end!
In any event
from 9-11.5 weeks of pregnancy, Thailand came at a really good time, not least
to be able to have the opportunity to rest, but also to relax and enjoy some
sunshine, family time and time to bond with the life growing within me. I swam a lot, it eased the sickness, and I took myself off the Yoga platform most days
and while my meditation practice has certainly been challenged with the
sickness, I was able to move gently and sit for a very short while before lying
and channelling Reiki to the growing baby – it certainly helps with the
bonding.
Talking of
bonding, throughout the pregnancy and helped of course by the scans we had
seen, we have been following the progress of the baby’s growth through baby
centre (www.babycentre.co.uk), quite amazing to reflect on the size of the little
bean and the affect he/she was having on me.
E still continues to laugh about the amount of food he/she needs when
he/she is smaller than the palm of my hand.
It is fab to get weekly updates and learn a little more about the
changes taking place in you as well as the baby.
The
travelling back home from Thailand was challenging for me, I would not recommend long haul
travel during the first trimester to others.
It messes even more with your hormonal balance, or imbalance and the
sickness was really unpleasant. Our trip
back was not helped by the fact I experienced stomach cramps the day after our
arrival in the UK when we were across near the border with North Wales for a
wedding. The cramping came on very
suddenly in the morning and was accompanied with a discharge that was out of
the ordinary.
Strangely I
had read an article in one of those trashy magazines about miscarriage the day
before on our train journey. - see how our fears can manifest so quickly! Needless to
say feeling particularly tired and jet lagged and incredibly vulnerable I
panicked that I was indeed miscarrying and so we visited the nearest
a&e. The doctor was very pragmatic,
my symptoms sounded like a miscarriage but there was absolutely nothing they
could do for me, it was a bank holiday so there was no chance of scanning for a
few days and even then, well if one is going to miscarry, having a scan is
going to make no difference to the outcome.
It was a bit
of a scary day and back at the hotel I found myself on the internet researching
my symptoms, which I really wouldn’t recommend you do, one sight will ease the
stress while another will make it ten times worse – I have tried to avoid this
since. Needless to say I was on edge
most of the day and was particularly fearful of going to the toilet and seeing
red blood. Thankfully none came and it became quite clear throughout the day
that there was something else going on here and as it happened I ended up with
a stomach bug instead, a little present I had brought back with me from
Thailand.
Sadly the
fear that accompanies the thought of miscarriage stayed with me for some
time. It is unusual for me to taste fear
like this and I had to really go within and face it head on to release the hold
it was having over me - I am very aware that the more you fear something, the more it will present itself to you, hence the joy of Yoga in helping us to address our fears through our practice. I turned to
flower essences too, white chestnut was recommended by Zita West, a well known
fertility expert and I have to say it helped enormously and I would recommend
this to others.
It is crazy really as it all comes down to
trust and faith, but that aside when you have been challenged on the conception
journey, and with friends who have miscarried and with a best friend who sadly had a
stillbirth at full term, one is very aware of the fragility of life in these
early days. The sickness became a
blessing where once it was draining. It
is incredible how our perception of something can change so dramatically
depending upon our experience of it – another reminder to avoid judging until
you have been in that position yourself.
For me this
whole episode was a real wake up call. It
is all very well being strong and carrying on life as usual – I played netball
for the Island vets against Jersey, albeit only for 15 minutes, but all the
same I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time – but life is not as usual. The one thing I continue to learn is the need
to slow down and be gentle, soften then, pregnancy encourages a softening. And here was my reminder to do exactly that.
It changed
my Yoga practice significantly, in fact I wasn’t able to practice for a few
days, which in itself is a rarity. While we were in Thailand, I had managed to
get to two Yoga classes in Chiang Mai, one was a general class which I adapted
and another was a gentle class which the teacher made pregnancy friendly for
me. The penny was already dropping
during these classes that perhaps I needed to back off a bit, but this little
scare was the icing on the cake and the message was loud and clear.
This isn’t
to say that one has to temper one’s practice the whole way through pregnancy, I
still remember one of my students practicing crow pose (her choice after all)
the morning of the evening she gave birth and in Byron I remember seeing a very
pregnant lady in handstand against the wal.
But I do believe that in those early months, when the baby is literally
forming within you and the placenta is developing too, that you should honour
this new life and provide it with a gentle, gentle space to thrive.
Upon
reflection the stomach bug provided me with an opportunity to totally slow down
that first week and catch up on sleep, something I needed after the exhausting
nature of long haul travel. You see that
is another thing, you feel so tired all the time, and it is a tiredness that
you cannot push through as I am so used to doing ordinarily. I have to go to
bed much earlier than I have ever done.
And I have noticed that if I am tired one day and don’t sleep well, then
the next day the sickness is worse. The body is very clever in making you listen
and essentially slow down.
Almost 12 weeks
and back home in Guernsey, I returned to find a booking for a visit from the
midwife and a booking for the 12 week scan.
This was a whole new world to me and one that was initially a little
overwhelming. You see I do not believe
in the medicalisation of birth per se but I had been so focused on simply getting
pregnant and getting through the first trimester that I hadn’t given much
thought to what was to happen after then.
Still, that can wait until another time.
Every day I
give thanks for the life inside me and can’t believe my luck that this is really
actually happening to us. With much gratitude
again to all those wonderful beings who have helped to make this possible and
to all those wonderful beings who provide such loving and supporting energy to me, E and our
bean, we are both so excited.
xxxxxx
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