Accepting what is

It has been a full on few weeks for me and mine, with a whole string of visitors now for over a month.  This has been wonderful, don't get me wrong, but wow, exhausting too trying to fit in one's ordinary routine while spending as much time as possible with those you love and see so infrequently.

My brother, Ross, his girlfriend, Star (a restorative yoga teacher) and their 2.5 year old daughter, Willow, have been over from Byron Bay in Australia the last few weeks.  Ross and I used to be inseparable when we were both living here and even started yoga at the exact same time - in fact if Ross has not accompanied me to the first class, then I doubt I would have started at all.  We both followed one another to Byron Bay, me for yoga and Ross for surfing, although later he stayed to do his yoga teacher training and this is how he met Star.  By then I was back home teaching and establishing Be inspired.

Funny how things work out.  There is a part of you that knows.  I first visited Byron Bay quite by chance on my first trip to Australia with a friend many years ago now.  There was something about the sound of this "alternative", surfing and hippy place that resonated with me.  I had been a surfer for many years, but had stopped while at Uni due to an irrational fear that caught me unexpected while out on reefs in South Gower. And the loss of surfing in my life, and its spiritual nature, had left a big void in my life. I was lost really, not quite sure who I was and my twenties was spent floating around insecure and unsure of myself.

It was only upon finding yoga and reiki that I started to wake up and it was only when I started travelling - primarily to Byron Bay initially - that I started to find myself. In fact my whole excuse, or context then, for travelling, was to "search for my soul (mate). Funny then, or not that in finding myself, I also found my soul mate in Ewan and thereon in my sole travels finally came to an end - as a working mum, I reminisce about the freedom of those seemingly endless days where time slowed down and there was absolutely no responsibility!

From finding oneself, one comes to know oneself, but this is not a constant.  And more recently, I realise now as perhaps I come through the other side, or have indeed woken up a little more (become conscious therefore) that there is always more to know, especially when your life circumstances change.  So becoming a mother, therefore, is another part of me that has lay dormant until the arrival of Elijah.  And I realise now that it has taken me a good nine months to step into, and accept, the part of me that is a mother, to truly embrace motherhood then, because truthfully it has been a bit of a shock to the system.

And it is only in the last week that this has become clear to me.  That my recent depressions have simply been my resistance to what is, without knowing it though, which is the tricky bit!  I found myself questioning what was going on, here I am with a child, who I have longed for, for a long time, and yet something didn't feel quite right, and I know now that this is because I was trying to live my life as I had done previously.  And it has been exhausting, trying to keep going, yet now with a baby to manage too!

It makes me laugh how things happen though. Because it is only in having my best oldest friends come to stay, and my brother with his little one, that this all come to a head.  I know they came for many reasons, but like angels, they helped to fix things. And then just as I came to terms with this yesterday, that indeed it has almost taken me 9 month (how funny is that, a good gestation  period!) to truly embrace motherhood, up on facebook pops an article entitled, "I wasn't prepared for motherhood" ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vanae-keiser/i-wasnt-prepared-for-motherhood_b_5306519.html) that says it all really. I just love that I am not alone, which is silly because I know we never are, but it is too easy to live in one's head too much and let the thoughts go around and around...especially as one has such little time for meditating and stilling one's mind when one has little children in one's life!

And because I feel back in the zone - living temporarily on the west coast and in and out of the sea has this effect, the power of nature you see - Rebekah Shaman's report on the Leo new moon popped into my inbox this morning (http://us4.campaign-archive2.com/?u=bf3182281c10722c7eea99902&id=39ba921368&e=eae0fe6be6) and I could not have said it better myself, I feel it, I really do, the previous new moons really have shaken things up, so that this insight, this reality could become clear to me. Funny really, that I have been reading all about "reality" in Stephen Cope's fabulous book, "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self".  See how it all fits in!  You have to love it really.

So I am thankful, fully of gratitude in fact, for all the wonderful family and friends who have helped me on my way, who have visited and shared their energy, I love you all very much and miss you very much too.  It is very sad to think that Ross and Star and Willow are flying back to Australia this morning, and next week Hannah goes back to New York.  So far away.  Can't wait for the next visit already.  I shall have to hold another naming ceremony to bring them all here again!  More about that next time.

With love, light and endless gratitude

xxxx

Maria's crunchy top lemon cake

Maria’s Crunchy top lemon cake

Makes 1 x 7 inch (18cm) cake

Ingredients

·         6oz soft margarine

·         9oz caster sugar

·         9oz self-raising flour

·         1.5 teaspoon baking powder

·         4 sized 2 eggs

·         6 tablespoons milk

·         Finely grated rind of 1.5 lemons

·         2 teaspoon of lemon curd (optional)

 

For the crunchy topping

·         Juice of 1 lemon

·         4oz caster or granulated sugar

 To make

·         Preheat oven to 180C.

·         Lightly grease and base line a 7in (18cm) deep round cake tin with greased greaseproof paper.

·         Whisk lemon curd, sugar and butter until light and fluffy, then add eggs one at a time.

·         Add flour slowly, add lemon rind, add milk, the mixture should drop consistency.

·         Bake in the pre-heated oven for about 35-40 minutes or until the cake has shrunk slightly from the sides of the tin and springs back when lightly pressed with a finger.

·         [Check cake after 35 minutes and if it is still not cooked put foil on top and cook for a further 10 minutes].

·         Whilst the cake is baking, make the crunchy topping.  Measure the lemon juice and sugar into a bowl and stir until well blended.

·         When the cake comes out of the oven, spread the lemon paste over the top whilst the cake is still hot.

·         Leave in the tin until cold then turn out and remove the paper.

Surrendering to the moment...

Urghh.  I was thinking that we were getting there last night, only 2 wake up calls before 5am, only that the 5am feed was actually a 5am wake up call.  Arghhh.  Admittedly I saw the sun rising, but I didn't really appreciate it as I was just feeling so tired and was slightly aggrieved that Elijah wouldn't continue sleeping...topped off by the fact he now has teeth and drew blood while feeding and biting me, ouch!!

I am aware that it is all a matter of perspective and of course expectation, but I must admit that I am really in need of a good night's sleep!  I don't believe Elijah has slept for more than 4 hours in any stretch and that does kind of get to you after 8 months, especially when you know that other babies sleep through.  Apparently I rarely slept as a baby so I guess it is in the blood!!

I am fortunate though as I have a lot of support, which other ladies do not have so I cannot complain too much.  Plus I have my practice, which offers some much needed time out from the often chaotic world of mother hood with all its different demands. I was particularly fortunate to attend Star's restorative class yesterday, which was just wonderful, exactly what I needed, it left me feeling calm and restored throughout the day, until I went swimming actually, which was a little too demanding for me yesterday.

It is a balance though isn't it, between movement and exercise to make you feel good, all those endorphins releasing into your system, and not moving at all and restoring in the process.  Essentially we come back to the fact that we really must check in and listen to our bodies and what the body needs in that moment and in that stage of life, for example what I need now is probably very different from what I needed when I was without child, and to what I will need when Elijah sleeps through the night (what a miracle that will be!!).

Star and I have been discussing the demands placed on us women these days as we continue to (and are expected to) fulfil the role as primary child carer, undertaking the majority of domestic chores and working too.  While I am eternally grateful to the women who have strived to create equality for us, I am not convinced that feminism has done us any favours, it has encouraged this "can do all", overly strong masculine energy that has left us feeling fragmented and disconnected from our inherent feminine nature.

Fortunately things are changing although I feel it may take some time.  I know I can't manage it all, try as I might.  And I know that I am not alone.  But again I am one of the fortunate ones, I do not work full time, so I have the freedom to take time in nature, to dance with the moon, and to indulge in my need to swim in the sea daily!  Plus I enjoy the work I do, although I am not really sure I classify teaching yoga as work, it is joy, a necessity, I would be lost if I wasn't able to share and give in this way.

And I am also very lucky to spend time with my lovely group of spiritual women, so that we can chatter and nurture our feminine energy, to remind ourselves who we really are, when we are not having to fulfil all the many roles that are expected of us these days.  Perhaps it is no different to how it has always been.  It just feels that life is that bit faster.

In any event, restorative yoga certainly has a special and powerful role to play in helping us to nurture and reconnect, to restore and enliven, and to just surrender into the stillness of the moment.  If only I could have carried that through to 5am today, perhaps that should be my mantra for the week - "surrender into the moment" and see if that changes my experience of the 5am wake up call!!

Still, the sun is shining, the tide is high, my brother, sister-in-law and niece are visiting from Australia, Elijah and I have baby yoga this morning and I am teaching tonight, surely life doesn't get much better.  The 5am start just means I can fit more into my day!!!!

With much gratitude.

x

Time flying

It has been a while since I last wrote a blog entry, a combination of visitors and sleep deprivation has meant that I have not had time nor indeed energy.

It has been an incredible few weeks though, the weather has just been stunning and with that lots of sea swims and outdoor living, I just love life lived like this.  We have even managed two outdoor yoga classes up at St Germain Nature Reserve, what a joy that place is, so unknown in many respects and yet stunning really, I just love teaching up there and seeing (and indeed hearing) the kestrels and all the other birds with the sea in the distance and all those trees..it is too easy to take it all fore granted really.

My best friend visited a few weeks ago now for the class on the grass and then recently her sister stayed the night.  Ewan's brother and sister in law and their children have visited from Australia and now my own brother is here with his girlfriend, Star, and their beautiful daughter Willow are here from Australia too.  I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been to share Elijah with all these people, and I am just so excited to introduce Ross to Elijah and to meet Willow now she is talking and Star, who is also a yoga teacher.  These are very happy times.

As for the sleep deprivation, this is not such a good thing!  Elijah is eight months old tomorrow already - where has that time gone?  He is now eating solids and sitting up and has cut 7 teeth but he still refuses to sleep very well during the night, in fact for the last week or so he has been waking every 2 hours, which has just been a killer.  There is no doubt it catches up on you especially with working and teaching and writing lots of articles, oh and socialising.  I have to constantly remind myself that this too shall pass, as it does seem rather endless at the moment!

And tiredness, the sleep deprived tiredness is not a great feeling, in fact they use it as a form of torture and I can quite see how it could well be a form of torture.  Not helped by the energy of the moon recently by my gosh it is challenging on so many levels as it mas made me feel super sensitive and like I am losing my mind, too many thoughts, like I have been here before many years ago now, it brings up anger and all those old emotions.  Not helped possibly by my revived passion for the Bach floral remedies, which help, of course, but also help to bring things up to the surface so that you can let go, heal and move on...

It will be a relief to make it through to the other side of the full moon tomorrow, a Capricorn one too, still illuminating the shadows, that is for sure.  Still I am sure we will all feel lighter - or I hope to feel lighter - after all the turmoil of this last week, in fact this whole later moon cycle, it has been a difficult one.

Still, as is always the case, when the challenges arrives, all I crave is quiet space on my mat and it is good timing that Star is here and teaching her nurturing restorative class on Sunday, so that coupled with my own practice I can hope to feel a little refreshed by the beginning of next week - especially as Elijah is going on his second sleep over this weekend, bless my lovely parents who are only too happy to help (even if that does mean being woken every two hours themselves).

So rest is warranted and indeed much needed - it is a little like the Oak tree, it needs to take a break before it grows forth again...and I have a ton of ideas buzzing in my head...but there needs to be the grounding first.

As for grounding, funny that the earth quake came here today.  I was only saying to someone at work how the energy felt so heavy this morning...and she agreed...and then an hour or so later, well that heaviness cleared a little!!

So on that note, time to sleep, before a quick look at the marvellous full moon.

Happy full moon.

xxx

The recipe for Maria's strawberry and white chocolate muffins

Strawberry and white chocolate muffins

 Prep time: 15 minutes

Cook time: 25 minutes

 Serves: Makes 12 Muffins

 Ingredients:
120g butter
120g soft brown sugar
150ml milk
2 medium eggs
1 vainlla pod, seeds crapped out or vanilla paste/vanilla
250g plain flour
Generous ½ teaspoon baking powder
100g strawberries, diced into small pieces, save the small one to put on top of mixture (decorate).
60g white chocolate, buttons chopped into small pieces or bar of white chocolate chopped.

Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 170C-
2. Muffin tray, place the 12 muffin cases in the tray
3. Melt the butter in a saucepan with the sugar, mix well and take off the heat
4. Beat the egg lightly, add the milk, add vanilla and mix. Add to the butter and sugar
5. Sift flour and baking powder and mix the mixture quickly using 10 strokes to fold in with a spoon.
6. Stir in the strawberry pieces and chocolate buttons
7. Soon the mixture into the muffin cases, top with a small strawberry or one cut in half.
8. Bake for 25 minutes, till golden and springy to the touch.
9. Cool on wire rack.