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My brother, Ross, his girlfriend, Star (a restorative yoga teacher) and their 2.5 year old daughter, Willow, have been over from Byron Bay in Australia the last few weeks. Ross and I used to be inseparable when we were both living here and even started yoga at the exact same time - in fact if Ross has not accompanied me to the first class, then I doubt I would have started at all. We both followed one another to Byron Bay, me for yoga and Ross for surfing, although later he stayed to do his yoga teacher training and this is how he met Star. By then I was back home teaching and establishing Be inspired.
Funny how things work out. There is a part of you that knows. I first visited Byron Bay quite by chance on my first trip to Australia with a friend many years ago now. There was something about the sound of this "alternative", surfing and hippy place that resonated with me. I had been a surfer for many years, but had stopped while at Uni due to an irrational fear that caught me unexpected while out on reefs in South Gower. And the loss of surfing in my life, and its spiritual nature, had left a big void in my life. I was lost really, not quite sure who I was and my twenties was spent floating around insecure and unsure of myself.
It was only upon finding yoga and reiki that I started to wake up and it was only when I started travelling - primarily to Byron Bay initially - that I started to find myself. In fact my whole excuse, or context then, for travelling, was to "search for my soul (mate). Funny then, or not that in finding myself, I also found my soul mate in Ewan and thereon in my sole travels finally came to an end - as a working mum, I reminisce about the freedom of those seemingly endless days where time slowed down and there was absolutely no responsibility!
From finding oneself, one comes to know oneself, but this is not a constant. And more recently, I realise now as perhaps I come through the other side, or have indeed woken up a little more (become conscious therefore) that there is always more to know, especially when your life circumstances change. So becoming a mother, therefore, is another part of me that has lay dormant until the arrival of Elijah. And I realise now that it has taken me a good nine months to step into, and accept, the part of me that is a mother, to truly embrace motherhood then, because truthfully it has been a bit of a shock to the system.
And it is only in the last week that this has become clear to me. That my recent depressions have simply been my resistance to what is, without knowing it though, which is the tricky bit! I found myself questioning what was going on, here I am with a child, who I have longed for, for a long time, and yet something didn't feel quite right, and I know now that this is because I was trying to live my life as I had done previously. And it has been exhausting, trying to keep going, yet now with a baby to manage too!
It makes me laugh how things happen though. Because it is only in having my best oldest friends come to stay, and my brother with his little one, that this all come to a head. I know they came for many reasons, but like angels, they helped to fix things. And then just as I came to terms with this yesterday, that indeed it has almost taken me 9 month (how funny is that, a good gestation period!) to truly embrace motherhood, up on facebook pops an article entitled, "I wasn't prepared for motherhood" ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vanae-keiser/i-wasnt-prepared-for-motherhood_b_5306519.html) that says it all really. I just love that I am not alone, which is silly because I know we never are, but it is too easy to live in one's head too much and let the thoughts go around and around...especially as one has such little time for meditating and stilling one's mind when one has little children in one's life!
And because I feel back in the zone - living temporarily on the west coast and in and out of the sea has this effect, the power of nature you see - Rebekah Shaman's report on the Leo new moon popped into my inbox this morning (http://us4.campaign-archive2.com/?u=bf3182281c10722c7eea99902&id=39ba921368&e=eae0fe6be6) and I could not have said it better myself, I feel it, I really do, the previous new moons really have shaken things up, so that this insight, this reality could become clear to me. Funny really, that I have been reading all about "reality" in Stephen Cope's fabulous book, "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self". See how it all fits in! You have to love it really.
So I am thankful, fully of gratitude in fact, for all the wonderful family and friends who have helped me on my way, who have visited and shared their energy, I love you all very much and miss you very much too. It is very sad to think that Ross and Star and Willow are flying back to Australia this morning, and next week Hannah goes back to New York. So far away. Can't wait for the next visit already. I shall have to hold another naming ceremony to bring them all here again! More about that next time.
With love, light and endless gratitude
xxxx
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